my hair :( in the hair dryer :(

Okay, so... 3 days before Chinese New Year, my hair dryer decided to go crazy on me. I was drying my hair. Which I virtually never ever do. I was just talking to my mum in her room and she suggested I dry my hair. Seeing as it was cold outside and all, dont want to catch a cold. I mean I go out in the cold with wet hair all the time and there never seems to be a problem. But you know I was there so why not. I picked the hair dryer up and started blowing my hair. After 5 mins I was convinced my hair was dry. After giving it a shake, I was about to turn the hair dryer off AND MY HAIR GOT SUCKED IN :( I was like OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOGMGOMGOMG GET IT OUT! and my mum came with a pair of scissors :'( And I didnt know what to do so I calmly tried gently yanking it out >:( But it didnt work, so my mum just RANDOMLY CUT IT OFF :( So now my hair... looks alright surprisingly, but there's a bunch of hair somewhere shorter than the rest :(

Why do these things always happen to me...

All good things come to an end

(: Okay. I'm calmer today, and probably more rational. Three weeks of fun in the sun! I've honestly learnt so much over this period. And i'm not refering to staying studying and doing homework- not academic learning. Holiday's a time to rest and reflect, and the year's almost ending! How much has changed over a year really.

In 2011, I got back my O level results, went to 2 different schoos, moved house, relocated to a new country, met many different people... ect ect ect. The list goes on I guess. (:

I was just commenting the other day about how people think that i've got a lot of friends, but i've actually got really... close to none. And a friend commented that it's not that. It's just that i've got a lot of friends but not many close friends. Weird how we classify eh? This is completely true though. haha. I love my friends, so so much, and im gonna miss them all so much. The difficult part is figuring out who your friends are. It's true, everyone's moved on. So should I. Those that matter to us, we'll keep close in our hearts. There are some that I seriously just can't figure out. It's come to a point that it's so tiring to find things to say. I used to tell you everything, and I realise that I know almost nothing about you. How weird is that? And I still love you. (: Usually when these kinda things happen, talking about it makes it easier. But this time, I know you cant even be bothered haha, and truthfully, I'm too tired to try. You still matter too much.

I'll be leaving with so many doubts >< But it's okay. Maybe I'll look back on this trip and know who really cares and who really doesn't. I'll look back and tell myself that over there, it's not that good either, I didnt have many friends either. And that thought's just sad.

But other than that, I've really accomplished a lot! Had lots of fun (: I love the weather. I love sitting around knowing that I've probably actually got a lot of homework but i'm not doing it >< hehe!!! aish (:

Baby, I don't wanna wait another day,

keeping it inside is killing me

I climb the walls yea,

I can see the edge, but i cant take the fall.

If you wanted to, you would

So... It's been a bitter sweet experience. Yeah. There really isn't a perfect place. I guess when I choose to leave that time, I should have known all these will happen. Yep, it's probably all me. Nothing's really going right right now.

I sit down feeling like crap, thinking that i really wish I had someone to talk to, and realise that there's no one. I mean yeah, a few names did pop up, but I'm sitting here thinking that everyone's changed, everyone's having their own lives, and if they wanted to talk, they would. But they don't and I really shouldn't impose.

The people here and the people there. the people everywhere. I was thinking how maybe I should just forget about people completely and focus on studying, but I realise that given my abilities, and they are few, I probably would just end up with... nothing, nothing at all.

Really. Sometimes I think it's quite obvious who cares and who doesn't. I mean, I do care, and I dont like... but... really, okay. finish. fullstop. I can't type anymore.

#$%^&*&^%$#@$%^&^%$#%%^$#$%#@$%T$#

I AM... just....

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOSO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO

ANNOYED.

FRUSTRATED.

PISSED OFF.

Why's the world so twisted and annoying and... i dont know what else it is. Why is everyone so ASDGNAWOEIGNAKLN!)@#%$I#Q(_$^T$@#^TGFDSGDF#$^

I'm thinking I really wanna go home. really really wanna go home. But seriously, home... wth is going on right now, i have no idea. And I dont really wanna care. I'm just... so so so tired of everything and everyone right now. just leave me alone.

Thoughts and feelings.

(: So i'm in the midst of my exams. And somehow i'm wondering what's happened to everything that i'm doing... I've got no will to study. I'm going to fail everything that I've sat for till now... I'm feeling so so tired. It's like i'm in a bubble, unable to get out, unable to feel anything. A friend has been telling me that i'm really negative. But really... I dont know. Its just... I really dont know. I was so looking forward to going home, but somehow, there's nothing much to look forward to when I go back either. There's no one to talk to who really understands. I dont know... Everything's going wrong. socially, emotionally, academically. There's no reason to hold on to anything.

'Its OK', he tells me. 'If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.' His voice cracks with emotion. He stops, clears his throat, takes a breath, and continues. 'But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's OK of you have to leave us. It's OK if you want to stop fighting.'-- Gramps, If I stay. (Gayle Forman)

Maybe its becuase i'm reading books like that..

I dont usually do this... but :

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand
And make me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord Lead me all my life
Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life

i dont get it

I really dont. I dont really care about my brother's love life, but its kinda completely weird how girls look at him, try to get his attention, and tell their friends from other schools how much they think he's awesome and all, and now people are wondering- how does he look like, what kind of person he is and stuff. And things like that come to my mum, to me, and I'm like... okay....? I dont know. yeah yeah. i dont usually get annoyed, but this time, i really am. I mean, dont stare at me when i walk down the corridor of the school, i dont care what you think of my brother, dont involve me in it. Yeah, he's nice looking and strong and tall and i'm like short fat and whatever. So what? And you ask my brother: 'OMG? SHE's your sister?' Gosh come on, grow up. Dont judge, you dont know me. I dont even know the girl, but right now it just annoys me so much I dont even want to know her. I'm not mean, but its not like she wants to be friends, she just wants my brother. And oh yeah, okay. Everyone wants to see Aaron right, fine, go ahead my brother, show them what you've got. Everyone's like- hey bring aaron along, we want to see how he looks like ect ect ect. SHEESH, come on, seriously? I'll never turn up. Not like anyone's interested in me anyway.

I know

Okay, fine. I know- I'm boring. I'm not who the kind of person you make friends with. Not the kind of person you joke with. Not the kind of person you like. FINE. FINE. Okay, yeah, sure. You're nice, you're popular, you're cool. But if you can't be bothered with me, its fine with me.

There's a wall around me- blocking everything out. I do what i've got to do, and leave the rest. There are times when the wall seems to be breaking, and i just want to give in. But i've held on for so long. Its like being deteched from everything that's going on. Socially, mentally, academically. When the wall finally beaks, it'll be a sight to remember. I really wonder when. Maybe really soon. I've convinced myself that it doesnt hurt anymore. When will the delusion fade?

带我回家好吗？

アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙 ～拝啓 十五の君へ～ （歌詞 Lyrics）

English Translation:

Dear you, Who's reading this letter

Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old

There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,

Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry

For someone who's seemingly about to disappear

Whose words should I believe in?

This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times

In the midst of this pain,

I live the present

Dear you,

Thank you

I have something to tell the 15-year-old you

If you continue asking what and where you should be going

You'll be able to see the answer

The rough seas of youth may be tough

But row your boat of dreams on

Towards the shores of tomorrow

Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear

During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear

Just believe in your own voice

For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt

But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life

So build your dreams without fear

Keep on believing

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry

For someone who's seemingly about to disappear

Whose words should I believe in?

Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear

During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear

Just believe in your own voice

No matter era we're in

There's no running away from sorrow

So show your smile, and go on living the present

Go on living the present

Dear you, Who's reading this letter I wish you happiness

<3 I like the voice and the gist of the lyrics, though grammatically the english translation is a little weird.

mental!

I'm usually fine with reading books, but somehow i'm taking 3o mins to read 2 pages of my book. Maybe i should elaborate. Its a chinese book -.- with minute words. I will finish it tonight and be happy :D but it really is kinda tough. haha... I still think i'm kidding myself with chinese first language. Maybe i'll drop it soon.

I dont know how school will be like on monday. Do we go on like nothing happened? ><

a broken down bus

Hainan was uhm well, alright... I saw a side of china that really, unmistakably is china. All the lies about hawaii of the east are really lies. The hotel we stayed at was utter rubbish, and there are not many words that can be used to describe it. Okay, on another note, it was an experience I'll probably never forget. Community service was okay, because I've done it before. I actually quite enjoyed doing community service. It was more of the working people that left a greater impression. Over the last few days, I realised that sme people are actually really nice, and others can just completely ignore you like you havn't got feelings and dont exist all. I guess that bit hurt quite a bit. Added to that, after 5 days, you're physically and emotionally drained, and you're so relieved to be going home, only to find out that you've got 2 more days stuck there because all flights were canceled due to a typhoon. I dont think it was so much being homesick, because honestly, suzhou isnt home.

When there are many people in the room, and you're all alone, and everyone breaks off into their own groups, and you're all alone, and everyone seems to be included and having fun, and you're all alone, it really isnt a nice feeling. Its not that i'm complaining, its just that... well. I really wish i didnt come here. This might very well be the worse choice I've ever made. Its this kinda camp that lets you see all different sides of people. But of course, I did have some fun. Its just that breaking down was not fun. But probably, its only at this kinda camp that we all feel like that. At school, everyone's got their own life.

Cant wait for december to come. I wanna go home. But there's this nagging feeling that it isn't going to be the same back in S'pore either.