Where Fairytales Come Alive (:

my hair :( in the hair dryer :(

2012-01-20T11:36:00.002+08:00

Okay, so... 3 days before Chinese New Year, my hair dryer decided to go crazy on me. I was drying my hair. Which I virtually never ever do. I was just talking to my mum in her room and she suggested I dry my hair. Seeing as it was cold outside and all, dont want to catch a cold. I mean I go out in the cold with wet hair all the time and there never seems to be a problem. But you know I was there so why not. I picked the hair dryer up and started blowing my hair. After 5 mins I was convinced my hair was dry. After giving it a shake, I was about to turn the hair dryer off AND MY HAIR GOT SUCKED IN :( I was like OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOGMGOMGOMG GET IT OUT! and my mum came with a pair of scissors :'( And I didnt know what to do so I calmly tried gently yanking it out >:( But it didnt work, so my mum just RANDOMLY CUT IT OFF :( So now my hair... looks alright surprisingly, but there's a bunch of hair somewhere shorter than the rest :(

Why do these things always happen to me...

All good things come to an end

2011-12-29T23:35:00.002+08:00

(: Okay. I'm calmer today, and probably more rational. Three weeks of fun in the sun! I've honestly learnt so much over this period. And i'm not refering to staying studying and doing homework- not academic learning. Holiday's a time to rest and reflect, and the year's almost ending! How much has changed over a year really.

In 2011, I got back my O level results, went to 2 different schoos, moved house, relocated to a new country, met many different people... ect ect ect. The list goes on I guess. (:

I was just commenting the other day about how people think that i've got a lot of friends, but i've actually got really... close to none. And a friend commented that it's not that. It's just that i've got a lot of friends but not many close friends. Weird how we classify eh? This is completely true though. haha. I love my friends, so so much, and im gonna miss them all so much. The difficult part is figuring out who your friends are. It's true, everyone's moved on. So should I. Those that matter to us, we'll keep close in our hearts. There are some that I seriously just can't figure out. It's come to a point that it's so tiring to find things to say. I used to tell you everything, and I realise that I know almost nothing about you. How weird is that? And I still love you. (: Usually when these kinda things happen, talking about it makes it easier. But this time, I know you cant even be bothered haha, and truthfully, I'm too tired to try. You still matter too much.

I'll be leaving with so many doubts >< But it's okay. Maybe I'll look back on this trip and know who really cares and who really doesn't. I'll look back and tell myself that over there, it's not that good either, I didnt have many friends either. And that thought's just sad.

But other than that, I've really accomplished a lot! Had lots of fun (: I love the weather. I love sitting around knowing that I've probably actually got a lot of homework but i'm not doing it >< hehe!!! aish (:

Baby, I don't wanna wait another day,

keeping it inside is killing me

I climb the walls yea,

I can see the edge, but i cant take the fall.

If you wanted to, you would

2011-12-19T17:35:00.002+08:00

So... It's been a bitter sweet experience. Yeah. There really isn't a perfect place. I guess when I choose to leave that time, I should have known all these will happen. Yep, it's probably all me. Nothing's really going right right now.

I sit down feeling like crap, thinking that i really wish I had someone to talk to, and realise that there's no one. I mean yeah, a few names did pop up, but I'm sitting here thinking that everyone's changed, everyone's having their own lives, and if they wanted to talk, they would. But they don't and I really shouldn't impose.

The people here and the people there. the people everywhere. I was thinking how maybe I should just forget about people completely and focus on studying, but I realise that given my abilities, and they are few, I probably would just end up with... nothing, nothing at all.

Really. Sometimes I think it's quite obvious who cares and who doesn't. I mean, I do care, and I dont like... but... really, okay. finish. fullstop. I can't type anymore.

#$%^&*&^%$#@$%^&^%$#%%^$#$%#@$%T$#

2011-11-26T20:13:00.003+08:00

I AM... just....

SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SOSO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO

ANNOYED.

FRUSTRATED.

PISSED OFF.

Why's the world so twisted and annoying and... i dont know what else it is. Why is everyone so ASDGNAWOEIGNAKLN!)@#%$I#Q(_$^T$@#^TGFDSGDF#$^

I'm thinking I really wanna go home. really really wanna go home. But seriously, home... wth is going on right now, i have no idea. And I dont really wanna care. I'm just... so so so tired of everything and everyone right now. just leave me alone.

Thoughts and feelings.

2011-11-20T20:22:00.002+08:00

(: So i'm in the midst of my exams. And somehow i'm wondering what's happened to everything that i'm doing... I've got no will to study. I'm going to fail everything that I've sat for till now... I'm feeling so so tired. It's like i'm in a bubble, unable to get out, unable to feel anything. A friend has been telling me that i'm really negative. But really... I dont know. Its just... I really dont know. I was so looking forward to going home, but somehow, there's nothing much to look forward to when I go back either. There's no one to talk to who really understands. I dont know... Everything's going wrong. socially, emotionally, academically. There's no reason to hold on to anything.

'Its OK', he tells me. 'If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.' His voice cracks with emotion. He stops, clears his throat, takes a breath, and continues. 'But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's OK of you have to leave us. It's OK if you want to stop fighting.'-- Gramps, If I stay. (Gayle Forman)

Maybe its becuase i'm reading books like that..

I dont usually do this... but :

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand
And make me face the rising sun
Comfort me through all the pain
That life may bring
There's no other hope
That I can lean upon
Lead me Lord Lead me all my life
Walk by me, walk by me across
The lonely road that I may face
Take my arms and let your hand
Show me the way
Show the way to live inside your heart
All my days, all my life

i dont get it

2011-11-04T00:41:00.002+08:00

I really dont. I dont really care about my brother's love life, but its kinda completely weird how girls look at him, try to get his attention, and tell their friends from other schools how much they think he's awesome and all, and now people are wondering- how does he look like, what kind of person he is and stuff. And things like that come to my mum, to me, and I'm like... okay....? I dont know. yeah yeah. i dont usually get annoyed, but this time, i really am. I mean, dont stare at me when i walk down the corridor of the school, i dont care what you think of my brother, dont involve me in it. Yeah, he's nice looking and strong and tall and i'm like short fat and whatever. So what? And you ask my brother: 'OMG? SHE's your sister?' Gosh come on, grow up. Dont judge, you dont know me. I dont even know the girl, but right now it just annoys me so much I dont even want to know her. I'm not mean, but its not like she wants to be friends, she just wants my brother. And oh yeah, okay. Everyone wants to see Aaron right, fine, go ahead my brother, show them what you've got. Everyone's like- hey bring aaron along, we want to see how he looks like ect ect ect. SHEESH, come on, seriously? I'll never turn up. Not like anyone's interested in me anyway.

I know

2011-10-30T21:34:00.002+08:00

Okay, fine. I know- I'm boring. I'm not who the kind of person you make friends with. Not the kind of person you joke with. Not the kind of person you like. FINE. FINE. Okay, yeah, sure. You're nice, you're popular, you're cool. But if you can't be bothered with me, its fine with me.

There's a wall around me- blocking everything out. I do what i've got to do, and leave the rest. There are times when the wall seems to be breaking, and i just want to give in. But i've held on for so long. Its like being deteched from everything that's going on. Socially, mentally, academically. When the wall finally beaks, it'll be a sight to remember. I really wonder when. Maybe really soon. I've convinced myself that it doesnt hurt anymore. When will the delusion fade?

带我回家好吗？

アンジェラ・アキ Angela Aki 手紙～拝啓十五の君へ～（歌詞 Lyrics）

2011-10-08T22:28:00.000+08:00

English Translation:

Dear you, Who's reading this letter

Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 15 years old

There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone

If it's a letter addressed to my future self,

Surely I can confide truly to myself

Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry

For someone who's seemingly about to disappear

Whose words should I believe in?

This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times

In the midst of this pain,

I live the present

Dear you,

Thank you

I have something to tell the 15-year-old you

If you continue asking what and where you should be going

You'll be able to see the answer

The rough seas of youth may be tough

But row your boat of dreams on

Towards the shores of tomorrow

Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear

During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear

Just believe in your own voice

For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt

But I'm living the bittersweet present

There's meaning to everything in life

So build your dreams without fear

Keep on believing

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry

For someone who's seemingly about to disappear

Whose words should I believe in?

Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear

During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear

Just believe in your own voice

No matter era we're in

There's no running away from sorrow

So show your smile, and go on living the present

Go on living the present

Dear you, Who's reading this letter I wish you happiness

<3 I like the voice and the gist of the lyrics, though grammatically the english translation is a little weird.

mental!

2011-10-07T16:57:00.002+08:00

I'm usually fine with reading books, but somehow i'm taking 3o mins to read 2 pages of my book. Maybe i should elaborate. Its a chinese book -.- with minute words. I will finish it tonight and be happy :D but it really is kinda tough. haha... I still think i'm kidding myself with chinese first language. Maybe i'll drop it soon.

I dont know how school will be like on monday. Do we go on like nothing happened? ><

a broken down bus

2011-10-02T20:56:00.002+08:00

Hainan was uhm well, alright... I saw a side of china that really, unmistakably is china. All the lies about hawaii of the east are really lies. The hotel we stayed at was utter rubbish, and there are not many words that can be used to describe it. Okay, on another note, it was an experience I'll probably never forget. Community service was okay, because I've done it before. I actually quite enjoyed doing community service. It was more of the working people that left a greater impression. Over the last few days, I realised that sme people are actually really nice, and others can just completely ignore you like you havn't got feelings and dont exist all. I guess that bit hurt quite a bit. Added to that, after 5 days, you're physically and emotionally drained, and you're so relieved to be going home, only to find out that you've got 2 more days stuck there because all flights were canceled due to a typhoon. I dont think it was so much being homesick, because honestly, suzhou isnt home.

When there are many people in the room, and you're all alone, and everyone breaks off into their own groups, and you're all alone, and everyone seems to be included and having fun, and you're all alone, it really isnt a nice feeling. Its not that i'm complaining, its just that... well. I really wish i didnt come here. This might very well be the worse choice I've ever made. Its this kinda camp that lets you see all different sides of people. But of course, I did have some fun. Its just that breaking down was not fun. But probably, its only at this kinda camp that we all feel like that. At school, everyone's got their own life.

Cant wait for december to come. I wanna go home. But there's this nagging feeling that it isn't going to be the same back in S'pore either.

Per Se

2011-09-22T10:24:00.002+08:00

I guess because of a lack of precious sleep, I am sick. Which explains why i'm able to blog on a thursday morning when i'm supposed to be in school. I'm sick. I've slept for about... 16 hours straight with a dinner break yesterday night, and I'm still tired. Well, I used to be able to sleep at 2, wake up at 5.30, go to school for weeks at a go and be perfectly fine. So I guess, that, coupled the erratic weather here--> tadah, i'm sick. Well, other than the fact that i was coughing non stop in school yesterday and went to the nurse who proclaimed that i had a fever, I got to sleep during PE. Well, it really does seem like i'ld do anything to get out of PE right? But fact is, over here, I dont think about not doing PE. And when i'm all ready to do it, I fall sick. I'm really not complaining. Cos if i didnt fall sick and went to school today, there's cross-country. Which would suck, cos my running is really really bad.

Anyway, I guess this is a good time to rush out all my homework and start packing my bag for the hainan trip on sunday. I am pretty worried about the rooming, but i'm not sure. I guess fate shall take its course. ><

honk honk honk

2011-09-11T16:41:00.002+08:00

I know its probably me. But I'm trying so hard. it doesnt make much sense. I think when you look at it from another perspective, I could probably be doing so much more. But I dont get it. Seriously.

I dont think i'll ever get used to the noise pollution. See, here's the chain reaction. If I dont die crossing the roads, I'll go deaf from all the honking. If I dont go deaf from all the honking on the road, I'll go crazy. Its so stressful. Studying is okay. But living is so much stress, sometimes I wonder if its worth everything we're going through. Maybe this is the worse decision I'll ever make. It isn't working out at all.

Greetings from china (:

2011-09-03T22:15:00.002+08:00

Okay, no one probably sees this anymore. Anyway, I guess this will be the place to update from now onwards. I cant update on facebook because i've got new classmates there who will see analyse and uhh know what i'm talking about. Also becuase I've been hiding my emotions so well in school, no one knows i'm completely miserable. LOL.

Okay its not really that bad, I just hate it. It's been 2 weeks and honestly? I dont fit in. They have their own cliques and all and its so difficult to fit in. I've never had to try so hard and never failed so completely... sighs.

I think I was broading about school and being all negative, and my dad was like- seriously, you want, I'll send you back to singapore. Everything will be as it was.

so simple daddy? Nahh i dont think so. 1st, i'll be so embarassed. 2nd, nothing's ever gonna be the same dude, I just managed to screw my life up down left right center. 3rd... ah forget it.

I know, i'm so negative, i should stop it. BUT I HATE IT. And i've got absolutely no way to let it out. I'm stuck stuck stuck.

2011-07-26T21:03:00.002+08:00

screw this lehh omg lol. I want it to end. i dont know why i'm so just ooshed out :( i dont make sense.

get it straight (:

2011-07-21T21:48:00.002+08:00

Hey yozz (: haha. I just realised that i haven't really been blogging. haha... Sighs. So many things cannot be put into words, and so many things are buried so deep they cant just be expressed in a blog for all to see.

I need to accept the fact

1) I'm leaving

2) I've got to sort out my feelings before i leave.

HAHA. Okay i dont know why i'm so super tired :( but i'm gonna end here.

I think this has reached a point where i refuse to talk about it. When I have to i just get drained. Let me figure this out.

something's going on

2011-07-16T08:25:00.003+08:00

HEY YO (: I think on the whole, I've been having quite a lot of fun, and I feel pretty special. Maybe its because I'm leaving so like... and i didn't want that to happen.

ANYWAY, the last few days in school have been fun. We took photos everywhere, and yesterday, I went for lunch and party world with some friends (classmates) :D Hahaha. I guess when we look back these will be memories that make us all smile. They all claimed they were there, for me -.- wth. Its weird, cos I'm gonna be there for the next 2 weeks still!!! Party world and singing was actually pretty fun I guess (:

There's a grp of people I've yet to meet and want to meet up with to take pictures and laugh at the old times, just reminiscing the past... :( soon, guys, soon!!

I always knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but I never knew that looking back on the laughs could make me cry.

speed boat

2011-07-11T10:15:00.003+08:00

Heehee, okay so I'm home while the rest of the people are probably at school (: There's this weird sense of relaxation, yet this strange sense of ... i dont know.

Haha so its three weeks of school, minus today and next monday i'm not going, that's 13 more times only. I dont know if i'm supposed to be happy or what. Its just strange luhh. There are so many things i want to do and so many people i want to see. Time's flying and I'm losing everything. Its like holding sand.

Grasp as tightly as you want, but slowly it seeps away.

Who can say why your heart sighs, as your love flies,-- only time.
And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies-- only time.

Why cant we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I know what I need. I need more hellos (:-- Snoopy

tick tock tick tock

2011-07-09T12:44:00.002+08:00

Okay the last post was just off. But anyhow, I'm kinda happy that the weekends are here. Theres no need to say that I'm really good at sleeping HAHA. and I love to SLEEP. Its exhausting ending the day with a fight.
Anyway, I've got to get everything done up before my mum lets me go to school again, which, I admit isnt that bad. I mean which kid wants to be forced to go to school right? But then again with time running out, I do want to spend as much time in school as possible but that is just not possible. Too bad LOL?

RRRAAAHHHHHHHHH >:(

2011-07-07T20:18:00.002+08:00

I'm so pissed off
I dont know why i'm so tired and pissed off.
Really.
So sick and tired of this whole thing.
I dont wanna look back and regret this.
But i'm so pissed off.
I just told someone off today
Maybe i was wrong.
I've got shitload of hw to do
but i'm not doing it.
So i guess i've given up.
I've got pw to do.
I dont mind doing
But i feel so pissed off about everything right now.
I wanna talk to someone, anyone.
I'll never get the chance to call a friend in a months time.
WTH :(
:'(
WHATS THIS:(
LIFE SUCKS,
SCHOOL MAKES IT WORSE :(

5hundred 25 thousand 600 minutes

2011-07-03T18:09:00.002+08:00

How do you measure a year? (:
'In daylights, In sunsets,
In midnights, In cups of coffee,
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in rife
In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
how do you measure, a year in the life?'

I never knew that I had so many pieces of clothing :(
If only i'd done my housekeeping yearly, i wouldnt have to spend the whole day packing CLOTHES:(

Yup i've got homework and tests to study for. But those just are not my priority right now. and i wish it was... :(

nothing comes from nothing, never ever could

2011-07-02T21:38:00.002+08:00

Whew, common tests are over. I've always been lucky in a way that after any major/not really major exam, i would go out and have fun. Yesterday we went to sentosa. I must admit that I miss the sentosa. The sand and the sea. I will miss sentosa.

But the thing is, i dont feel as liberated as i usually do when exams are over. Its the last tangible thing I sort of had to hold on to. haha. i dont know....

Sometimes I feel so empty inside, I wanna cry but i just cant. Then again, there are so many things to settle that there's no time to think. Doing something, there's always a small voice telling myself that i may never do it again. HAHA. okay this isnt helping.

Some people I miss but they're so hard to grasp.

...but you wont do the same

2011-06-22T21:37:00.002+08:00

ever noticed, when you get over something, something else comes up. something else that will get you down. haha.

anyway, goodluck with midyears everyone.

you tossed it in the trash,
you tossed it in the trash you did.

multitasking

2011-06-21T09:25:00.003+08:00

I should start studying.
Yeah I should.
But I've got no motivation what so ever.
Just take yesterday, I went SHOPPING -.- what the heck.
Today? today... I don't know what I'm doing today.

Madness. I doubt anyone has been tested so forcefully at the idiotic task of multitasking before. Who can be expected to pack up their whole lives and study for a stinking exam at the same time? There's no time to waste.

I'm like perfectly fine with it, or so it seems. But you'll never know the inner turmoil.

smart gal

2011-06-16T23:20:00.002+08:00

(: Haha. I don't really know why people think I'm smart? not everyone obviously. haha. 'cos really I'm not. I don't exactly know a lot of things and i don't exactly work very hard. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm a mediocre everything, below average in some. Maybe once or twice I've had some weird show if intelligence (if ever), and people think I'm smart. Its not exactly that i don't like it, cos hey, who wants people to think they're dumb right? But lets just say sometimes the higher the expectation the higher the stress. Like how dad was like- you can do it, I've got confidence in you... Well, confidence I don't deserve. I won't fail, just because my name is Averil, and Oh, you haven't studied? You're you so it'll be fine.

I think there's some kind of misunderstanding. And I've been overloaded with these kinda things by numerous people so after awhile the stress builds up. The knowing that they're gonna be disappointed, and bam, break down. I really really haven't really studied for mid years. Granted, I just came back on Monday night, and there are lots of things to settle. But there's no excuse. I don't feel great about not being prepared but something inside just doesn't want to do anything anymore. So hey, I'll prove to you I can fail. So it seems the rebel inside is coming alive. In the end though, I'll do my best. I always have and I always will. Maybe on the surface it looks like I didn't really try or that... whatever, that's why I don't do well, but I really tried. So I'm really dumb.

Do you sometimes really feel like letting go of everything and taking 10 steps backwards? Nothing makes sense anymore.

When you most want to talk to someone, there's no one around. The people you most want to talk to always think they're the last one's you want to hear from, and the people you want to talk to never want to talk to you for real. After so many disappointments, i think this is fate.

So why do this again?
Thinking back, this is what I told myself last year. I'm trying again because even if I fail, I'll never look back and say that it's because I didn't have the guts to try.

5 more weeks, then its a whole new world.

So... even polaroids fade

2011-06-15T21:00:00.003+08:00

For the first time ever, I slept till 9.30 HAHA. It felt good (:

So I went out and met Nat Serena Sarah Kim. The Polaroids are pretty and I'll stick them on the wall.

I didn't realise that it will be so soon haha, about 5 more weeks till we leave! I dont really know if its a good or a bad thing, but lets never look back. Today I was told that even Polaroids fade. But its the thought that counts. I think in the end as it fades, i'll have the piece of film to look at, and know that there once was a picture of me and someone whom I mattered to (:

It would be damn weird if i dont go in the end, but lets just keep moving forward. There's no way fate can be stopped. I think it may be the road of disaster but i don't know lol hahahaha.

home- atlast- sweet home (:

2011-06-14T13:14:00.004+08:00

I'm so glad i'm back haha. At least i matter to some people haha(: the first time ever people have come to the airport to pick me up. I feel SPECIAL. haha. <3 KaiLi and Mavis (:

BTW, China has blocked blogger, so no matter how hard i tried, there was no way i could hack through the system. SAD. But anyway, it doesnt matter. When I go there for real then byebye blogger and byebye facebook. Unless i get someone to teach me how to hack or I pay for VPN or something. haha. That MAY work.

Life there was not bad I guess? Maybe i'm trying to bluff myself but there's nothing much I can do about it. The 2 schools are quite cool and so are the houses.

Without a doubt Singapore is still the best. This is where my heart is haha. But where's home? I dont know. So many things have happened, lets hope its for the best :D

300

2011-06-02T20:45:00.003+08:00

Ohh wow, 300th post.

FYI I'm gonna be away till the 13th, as in not in Singapore haha lol. hmm well, maybe its good, get a fresh perspective on things.

On another note, that post hurt, but oh well. I guess i should have expected it.

Bye bye. you- wont- miss- me, so don't- lie.

2011-05-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

GOD SAVE ME, or i swear i'll just explode.

conscience

2011-05-31T20:34:00.003+08:00

I'm looking at some really disturbing photos. omg lol.
I ponned lessons for the first time ever and i'm so guilty.
my group's like so off and i dont know what i'm doing anymore.
HAHA. i'm gonna escape for awhile.
I'm loving it.
kay thanks bye. i'm feeling particularly MEAN.

tough times

2011-05-30T20:13:00.001+08:00

Yeah, i guess its true, gotta be tough cos tough times dont last but tough people do.

There isn't exactly a word to describe it.
Yeah, i was told to let it out in my blog as one of the ways of releasing, but i've made it a point not to anymore.
Blogs are dangerous, people can take it the wrong way, people will twist your words around.
So no sir, i've learnt my lesson here. Just today, there's this perfect example.... ... ...

So lets stick to the simple things like:
Today, i got a letter.
I like receiving letters.
This letter touched my heart.
Thank you for this letter.
<3

no one gets it. not even you, because you dont wanna hear. you've got your own life, how can i ask you to?
life sucks, averil. deal with it.

excitement

2011-05-27T19:55:00.001+08:00

The holidays are here. GP's not really my cup of tea, and i always choose the dumbest questions to write as essays, meaning i screwed my it up. I dont know lol. Its the holiday and somehow i'm just gonna go crazy with going crazy. I cant say i'm looking forward to going overseas knowing the intent of the whole trip. But, i'm gonna enjoy the next week i have here :D

I'm gonna play like crazy this coming week. Care to join me? :D i dont care that i've got extra lessons :D

IMBA

2011-05-26T19:00:00.002+08:00

Chinese was imba i swear lol.
If i like pass properly, i'll scream? -.- LOL
Cant wait for tmr to come, but then again after tmr what's left to look forward to? LOL
So in the end it lies in the eyes of the beholder.
I wanna SLEEP oh yeah.
PIGGGGGGG

2011-05-24T19:09:00.003+08:00

everything comes together, then everything falls apart. ~~
when escape is the cowards way out,
but there's no will power to find another way.

How ironic, today i was laughing about something, and mdm hoh asked me if i was really happy and i said yes. Then she was asked if anything ever got me down. And i kinda said of course but i was smiling and she looked so happy that i was happy during physics lesson. Is there greater success than to show what you want people to see? (: The irony cant be explained.

Martina McBride - Anyway

2011-05-23T18:54:00.001+08:00

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Something from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anywayI do it anyway
This world's gone crazy

It's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
In a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
Yeah - I do it anyway

You can pour your soul out singing
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yea, sing it anyway

Yeah, yeah!
I sing
I dream
I loveanyway

~ I wish i had such drive, such hope, such faith

Everything's falling apart.

2011-05-20T20:33:00.003+08:00

I'm sleeping too much, and I'm not feeling any better. wth.
supposed to be awake and alive, seriously, with all the sleep I've been getting.
and in the end, I'm still half dead and sleepy and moody and uninterested.
I miss having a life, but I'm constantly reminded about exams and tests, and I'm finding that i don't care, nor do i want to care, but I'm forced to care. don't get me wrong, i want to do well, i just don't have the drive to work for it. And yeah, maybe its my attitude that sucks, but really, right now, i don't really care. its 8.43 and i don't want to do any work, i want to sleep.

take a look at this. Yesterday i slept at 11, after having don't absolutely nothing the whole day. Today, I went to school and slept through assembly 1 hour gone, then kinda dozed off during chem. ditched the first 10 mins of math lecture to eat breakfast -.- then econs, i played hangman. Its just disgusting, but no matter how disgusting i find it, i don't really want to change anything. Next week common tests start, and I'm like-- LOL you can't study for GP or Chinese anyway, so who cares.

OMG this is disgusting. Like is this the attitude?

And, i wanna sleep. Everyone's like working their asses off to do better and better and I'm just... lol... okay.... I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE, like who gives a flying fish. :(

aww God, just let me fall like really really really sick soon instead of leaving me half alive like i am now. then maybe i can sleep the whole day and not feel guilty about it, plus if I'm sick i dont really have to do hw or study. or maybe, for once, just give me a brain I've worked so hard to prove i had but never really succeded. I think, God, maybe its time to answer my prayers, cos I'm living a life i don't want to live and I'm in a state of limbo that's confusing and painful, and you're not helping me :(( please do something? I'm desperate.

Love~

2011-05-19T19:38:00.003+08:00

So apparently, I was told that-- even when you do something wrong, even when you fail, even when you make poor choices, you are loved. No doubt you will punish yourself enough for your mistakes. The question is: Will you try to do the right thing next time? Will you learn from your mistakes? Will you keep on loving and caring to the best of your ability?

I think its pretty epic how things have turned out. I realised that i don't really care about fixing stuff anymore. Like how when relationships turn out the wrong way, i find i don't really care anymore. In the past if I realised that someone was afraid?? of me, i would try to do stuff to make the person comfortable etc, by being nice or what not. But I've lost all motivation. Now its just LOL -.- I guess people change, you cant really expect me to be the same.

I cant stand how idiotic people are, and sometimes people can just tick me off. Someone asked me if i was happy today-.- don't get me wrong, this was how it went. I was hot and sweaty from jogging and playing Frisbee in the middle of the afternoon sun and suddenly this... this person shouts across the class-- so Averil, are you happy? And i just stared and went-- huh... Like completely confused. So he went on like: we're like one of the only groups to have handed in the gpp... and I'm like-- what????? I didn't even hand up the hard copy of the thing. like LOL.

Yesterday i told him--'I love your attitude, but i cant stand working with it. It sucks.' got the hint? wth

An empty home, an empty heart.
I guess when you look at ugly people, you think that they don't have feelings?
sorry but you're wrong. i've got feelings too.

Today i saw a bird flying, and i wondered- what has the bird seen? How does the bird see, what does it think aobut? What kind of life does it lead? Sometimes we see things and people, we wonder what kind of lives they lead, the secrets behind their smiles, their lives behind the masks they show the rest of the world.

I'm so done with you

2011-05-17T20:55:00.002+08:00

I am so done with you~ (guess who -.-)

On another note, i was told in my face to get some sleep -.- oh gee. which i am gonna do. soon :D i dont care abt no homework no more. we're done with gpp ( i think) hallelujah.

tangibles

2011-05-16T18:00:00.002+08:00

Is knowing enough?
When there's nothing tangible to hold on to.
When there's no solid tangible prove.
When everything looks alright on the surface.
When you hear things that dash your hopes of normality.

Is hearing enough?
When what you hear doesn't match what you know.
When you hear what someone says, do you ever wander what goes in his/her mind?

I think its amazing how listening to a song can change the mood so completely. Someone sings a tune, a song starts playing in the middle of the classroom and suddenly you feel so nostalgic. The longing of the person it reminds you off just takes you away. (:

~~So complicated, look how we all make it, filled with so much hatred, such a tired game. ~~

Tmr, PW again. My house, invaded again. I'm already so tired with this complicated game.

weekend's here (:

2011-05-14T10:41:00.002+08:00

I'm so glad the weekend's here (: though i've got pw meeting tmr, i'm glad i'm home, able to sleep as and when i wish.

This week was cool LOL. On thursday when i woke up, i was completely disorientated. I took a moment to figure out that i was at home, in my bed, and that oh, it's thursday. So i thought i had it all figured out, went to school, did my thing. So we had pw meeting after school in the canteen and i was supposed to find a calandar to draw up some plan thing (which we didnt do in the end). When i looked at the calander in my phone, thursday 12th was highlighted. So i stared at it looking puzzled, looked up and commented-- Today's thursday only ah? LOL, epic.

Yup my mind just wasnt into anything much really <3 but it matters not! Today's saturday, and i'm so happy its saturday <3

Anyway, i'm having my entire pw grp come to my house tomorrow, which... i dont know whether its a good idea or not. Coming at 10 am. So yesterday i asked- what time you'll staying until. One guy said, - after dinner do a bit more then leave. And another guy went-- huh? after dinner? I thought it was until breakfast the next day then we go school together? -.-

Wish me luck.

Issues

2011-05-08T22:27:00.002+08:00

(: I can safely say that I've got issues about stress.
Maybe I'm just in a really bad mood these few days and maybe I'm really pmsing. But it doesn't make sense. :'(

When you're feeling cold and all the city streets are grey
Walking all alone and watching how the children play
Voices in the wind and faces from the past go dancing by
They're asking why

Can you really want me more than for a little while?
What are the stories hiding there behind your smile?
Wishes in a dream and figures in a world that I could share
And everywhere

yupp, confirmation.

2011-05-07T20:23:00.004+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH x3 (screams)
(runs backwards)
(screams again)
(FALLS FLAT)

SCREAMS AGAIN.
RUNS TO CHAIR.

wtf, okay, and you say i'm not sympathetic. come on.

what the heck, its only an eefffffing lizard. and you call me a swine. really get over it.

perfection

2011-05-07T10:58:00.002+08:00

Nothing's perfect, but in the end, everything will work out. :D

I realised that if you've got friends who make you feel like you're one in a million, nothing seems so bad(:

So thank you(: We're crazy people with no sense of time, and i love you <3

POOP

2011-05-02T10:04:00.002+08:00

Looking at the sky outside today, i get the feeling that the sun ain't ever gonna rise again. Its a nice cool weather to have, lacking the sun's warmth. Its like I'm on holiday and my brain is on hiatus. Ever felt like sometimes, you just want the phone to ring? And an unexpected long phone call just brings you away and leaves you happy and recharged? Well yeah, wishes don't always come true.

I might have made a mistake, but will you still love me? Our once upon a time family is broken left lying on the ledge. No one's gonna attempt to solve anything because? Because like what you did to me, what you're best at, is to play the guilt trip card. I realised that either way, no one really loses, but me.

the pit gets deeper

2011-04-30T20:32:00.003+08:00

i don't know what to say, but just... just F *** IT :'( maybe in a few days I'll change some letters to * but right now, i really don't care. just go to hell go to hell go to hell :(

Fate

2011-04-29T22:02:00.003+08:00

I guess fate enjoys playing tricks on us.
Guilt is painful.
I'll always be the traitor
I'll be the bad guy

who knows the inner turmoil? who even cares.
before anything happens, I'll say I'm sorry.
to whichever party will be hurt in the end. to whichever side i give up.

i really really really want a hug. :'(

I dare you to move.

2011-04-22T15:25:00.003+08:00

Easter Weekend has finally come. Sleeping feels good:D hahaha. and its raining. There are some things that I'm sure about Easter. First, it rains on good Friday without fail year after year. Second, something always happens on Easter week. Something, lets just say... not so pleasant. Yesterday was the epitome of weird. I don't know why i got so stressed about my PI either, but i did. And my class is epic. Class unity was exemplified by playing a prank on a teacher who was in the midst of scolding us for something. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. Anyway, the teacher just walked off and it was... scary. Really scary.

There's an empty feeling inside and i cant help it. Stab me, and make it quick.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

- Dare you to move (Switchfoot)

definitions

2011-04-18T19:25:00.002+08:00

I think it always depends on how you define things. If you think crying is alright, then when you do it it doesn't seem so bad and you don't feel like killing yourself for committing a crime. This does not only apply across the gender issue of male and female? I know of girls who think that crying is the number one sin, and guys who think that crying is alright. So how do we draw the line? It lies in the way we define crying doesn't it? Maybe letting it out will be fine? Next time, if someone asks you if you wanna talk about it, maybe saying yes and letting it all out will help you let go? Or if no one asks then call someone you trust and talk, life's too short to let it go down the drain depressed and all alone.

Writing this, i do have someone in mind and something that happened today that made me think this. But even as i know i mean what i write, i feel like some total hypocrite. Ah well.

I've got loads of nonsensical homework to do, and i think i can say goodbye to going home early anymore. Here comes academic planer, which, i just realised today, is extra lessons. So much for a nice name. Tmr sch officially ends at 3.30, following which there's Econs academic planer till 4.30, after which, there's math academic planer till 5.30, and then we're uhm free to go. I feel so nostalgic all of a second. When i didn't mind staying out with friends and there was no homework to rush out, no deadlines to meet. :D

I really should go now. No one blogs this much and no one really reads it and gets it anyway! so tadahh!! <3

Angels Serenade

2011-04-17T15:13:00.004+08:00

I put my i pod to shuffle and this song started playing. And i suddenly remember reading about how this song came about. It was about some young kid who'd died or something like that. And as i listened to it, i realised that this is a song i want played at my funeral. Not exactly that i intend to die soon or anything. Its not really for sale anymore-- Angels' Serenade in the IJ CD- Share the Love, but it can be found in youtube as 'Angels' Serenade-- a tribute to Michael Jackson' i just realised. The chorus made me cry (:

Angels' Serenade- Julie sim and trevor nerva

Have no fear, my little one

Peace be with you now

Love has come to guide you home

To our Fathers house

Fly with us, courageous one

On our wings of light

Past the days of fear and pain

To our Fathers side

So say goodbye for just awhile

And through the tears youll start to smile

For soon youll be together

In Heavens arms forever

At every step, you're not alone

Loves by your side to lead you on

No looking back from here

Your journey home has only just begun

Dance with us, my gentle one

As we sing your song

The stars He made will light your way

To our Fathers house

Arise my child, my precious one

Awakening in your eyes

Love is calling you by name

To our Fathers arms

Choices

2011-04-16T14:56:00.002+08:00

I don't want to choose. How do you choose between your left and right arm? Impossible, so I'm not even going to try. I remember a game i used to play about choices. Would you rather___ or ___. Some choices are easy to make. No brainers. Some choices just cant be made.

resignation- if you say go, I'll go. if you say stay, I'll stay. if you say jump, i tell you, I'll jump.
Just don't make me choose.

It used to be my mouth saying yes, my heart screaming no.
Now my mouth shuts up, and my heart just tears.

What ever happens, its gonna be a bumpy ride (:

What happened to always and forever

2011-04-14T17:18:00.004+08:00

The week has sped past, i've got lots of homework for tmr and the weekend. I think i'm becoming more vulgure and i'm scared. I actually said the F word today. It just came out, and i'm not supposed to curse and swear like that.

I guess like newton's third law states how for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, for every bad thing that happens something nice will happen to offset it i guess?

I spent my half an hour break getting nagged at by my my chem teacher cos i got a U for my MSA. :( its not like i didn't try, not like i didn't feel so completely dumb and dejected. 3 of us had the... consultation session together, but they 2 got to leave earlier. This guy went to buy packet brownies. When i went to class after i was released, he asked me if i was hungry. Okay, i did eat someting before going for the consultation, but it was nice that he asked anyway. When i'm upset about something either i lose my appitite altogether, or i feel like chewing on something. So during math tutorial, i ate a mini brownie while the teacher was talking. Then during PW, bernard decided to educate florence and me in the art of basketball. It was pretty fun. LOL.

I mean, i'm not really crazy about brownies or basketball, but my point is that sometimes when you're having a really bad day and everything everywhere seems to be going wrong, something like that happens and you dont feel so completely non-human and crazy and all alone. It doesn't make what's wrong go away, and its nothing like having someone who cares talk to you and be willing to listen, but it does make you feel warm inside for a few minutes at the very least.

Turn the thing around, have some fun, relax a little. Change your perspective and you can change your life? I've returned to listening to chinese songs lol, and that means... some of you may know what it means when i listen to chinese songs hahahaha!

touch my heart, heal my pride, be my strength, wipe my tears, erase the tention.

Who will be willing to do these?

I remember when we said forever and always.

2011-04-11T18:27:00.003+08:00

Everything hurts, head, heart and pride.

But life goes on :D take a deep breath, and give it a shot.

secrets

2011-04-10T08:12:00.005+08:00

Sometimes i think i wont survive long in this madhouse, then i think about how it's supposed to make me a stronger person, and i tell myself i shouldn't be thinking this way. But then the very next second i go : 'bullshit, that's rubbish'. and i realise that no one knows except me. Its like having a deep dark secret in the bottom of your heart.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us- helen keller

As they always say...

2011-04-09T14:10:00.003+08:00

What can't kill you can only make you stronger. Haha, and i guess so far, that's proven true. Be it in sec 3- sec 4 to o levels, or band, from SYF'09 to Sydney. Ect. I guess the last few days I've been reminiscing the past and all, and i realise that when the phase ends, you find that, hey, it wasn't that terrible. Or it was indeed challenging, but after its over what you get is the experience, because what can't kill you can only make you stronger, and if you feel that you've died when its over, experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. So in the end it always seems like a win-win situation?

I was thinking about something the other day and i suddenly remembered the quote 'what can't kill you can only make you stronger'. This time i'll remember this.

This week has sped past i guess? But yesterday i didn't feel the strong TGIF feeling that i usually get. Maybe its because of the crappy amount of homework i've got, or maybe my week didn't exactly suck really really bad? But i felt that there wasn't exactly anything to look forward to at all. Then i realised that he wasn't coming back this weekend. nor the next, nor the next. And i forgot that it was his birthday today. omg, i forgot till i looked at my calender. Sighs, Happy Birthday Daddy.

I came home from school yesterday at about 6? and slept all the way till 10pm, got up, did some slip shot work and went back to sleep HAHA. I've now got a splitting headache, but like Calvin says, hopefully i'm not sick and its just because i slept too much HAHA. I wish upon a star this is true.

It matters not how many times you get knocked down, its how many times you pick yourself up after you get knocked down.

memories of friendship

2011-04-07T22:55:00.000+08:00

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted, so never give up.

I think ultimately they did their best and that's all we can ask for. So guys, i'm so so proud of you, so so proud to be your senior. Take heart and never give up. Rushing from school, thinking of you'll, eating dinner with you'll it was all worth my time:D I was super tired but dinner out was worth it (:

So many things have happened, it's been so long, so tiring, so weird, so ... funny. hahahahaha. i'm not going to elaborate. my business, my life. I've long stopped spitting stuff out and maybe it does you and me good :D

ANYWAY, I <3 IJ BAND (: Silver is the new Gold, and you'll are awesome in my heart. If only that were all that mattered. Memories of friendship really brought me memories of friendships, so the aim has been reached. (:

There's a connection between all people, and music has always been a great way to make people aware of that connection. It can help you open up a part of yourself and express feelings you never knew you were feeling. Its risky to let that happen, but its a risk you'll have to take because only then you'll know you're not alone. <3

Drowning in the ocean

2011-04-05T21:29:00.002+08:00

I think its weird how we all have our own lives but this is life. LOL, that actually rhymed.

I figured that right now, i'm happy. You know how people say that life can't be perfect and how one thing will always be wrong at any one time. I figured being completely shit in my studies is the best thing to be wrong right now. Of course there are other things like home stuff but ultimately i'm hardly at home anyway. Plus its hillarious how i can have laugh till my stomach aches. Its like completely letting go. I completely got caught for sleeping twice today HAHA. Physics she came and tapped my shoulder but i wasnt sleeping i was dozing which is kind of the same thing. LOL. then PW lecture which is a waste of time i was accused (actually we) of passing love notes omg... and the teacher thought i was sleeping so he got Florence to nudge me. This time i really wasn't sleeping lol. SERIOUSLY its so difficult to sleep in the lecture theatre unless you're completely brain and body dead.

Anyway, tmr is sports day so i dont feel the urgency to study at all. I know the homework's due on thu and tmr i dont have time, but HAHA who cares lol. My PI is handed in, and i'm blissfully unaware of whatever negative comments i'm gonna get so HAHA- phew, i'm in a state of denial:D Besides that, there are some people in my class who are complete toots who make life more interesting(???) but never fail to annoy the crap out of us normal people. Joking around is fun as well i guess, but it kinda sucks to be laughed at and be labeled as retarded:'( Anyway, this is life i guess and so long as i can take it with a smile and my retarded laughter, life's good and all is well.

Clearing the vision

2011-04-03T19:43:00.006+08:00

For reasons most of you probably don't know, i went swimming after running today. Granted, i like to swim (the feeling of being submerged in water is great), it was a time for reflection. As I was swimming, i realised some really important things that can be parallel to life and its goals.

If you've swam before, you'll probably realise that after a lap or two, your goggles start to fog up and you cant see the area around you clearly. But as you're in the middle of the swimming pool, and the place where i go swimming has its deepest end not at any end but in the middle, you can't very well stop and clear it. At that point in time, you can see the end of the pool, the place where you're supposed to swim towards because that's where the people are concentrated, but the path there is murky, and there are people in the middle swimming sideways, forward, backward, blocking your way. Its the same as life isn't it? We know clearly where we want to go, but the way towards the final goal is murky and unclear, with numerous obstacles. Ultimately, like how i got to the end of the pool without much difficulty, whatever happens, the end point will be reached.

Also, every few laps, washing your goggles clears your vision. So i guess the same way, taking a rain check on things happening to you once in awhile can keep you on track. Stocktaking clears the vision. Thinking about why you feel the way you do, about the things that happen.

Today's Sunday night and i guess the feeling of dread is lesser than it was the previous weeks.

I think I'm going to stop trying. Slowly let them go.

blubber rubber

2011-04-01T21:15:00.003+08:00

A really long week is over.

I think sometimes even teachers underestimate themselves and the power they wield. They have no idea that the things they say can have different effects on people. I was really pissed off but what's the point right?

Maybe, just maybe, school isn't that bad after all. It will get better. Except for PW, freak PW. And Chem can just go to hell -.- and maybe i could probably do better for the rest as well.

Anyway, there's homework I'm not touching tonight, and a weekend to SLEEP.

bumble bee

2011-03-30T23:21:00.009+08:00

If it were possible to break down from exhaustion i'm sure i'm due sometime soon.

We all are i think, last few days have been madness. I'm sitting with my chem book open, there's a test tomorrow (omg) but the reluctance to study is so great, i'm not surprised.

Its only 11.31 as of right now, but i just got home, and i'm tired. :'( BOOHOO.

I've seen the tears and the heartache, and I felt the pain

I've seen the hatred in so many lives, lost in vain

And yet through this darkness there's always a light that shines through

And takes me back home Takes me back home

I know that dreams we hold on to, can just fade away

And I know that words can be wasted, with so much to say

And when I feel helpless there's always a hope that shines through

And makes me believe

Makes me believe

And I see for one fleeting moment

A paradise under the sun

I drift away and

I make my way back to you

Life goes on

Can leave all sweet sorrow and pain

And life, hold on

To all that you are

To all that we'll be

And I can go on once again

- Celine Dion 'A world to believe in'

Perception.

2011-03-26T21:13:00.002+08:00

I probably should be reading the book on women's rights and my stack of singapore politics GP notes, but i dont even feel like starting. How to finish? :O

I've been thinking a lot about perception lately. You write something, i read that something, i'm bound to think something else.
I've never been happier seeing my parents. I think ultimately when it comes down to it, family is the most important no matter what and I realise that i've taken that for granted. Right now it feels like i'm at a cross road. I know where i want to go, but i dont know if i can go there. I dont want to look forward and let go of anything now in case i regret it, so yeah, grabbing on for dear life. :D

When I look back at the old times, I cant help but feel a little regret that it's passed me by. However, maybe if it remains like this, the final letter can read, 'we've already had months of practice so maybe this wouldn't be so much different'

Tadda (:

When all else fades, who will be left?

2011-03-25T18:15:00.002+08:00

When i walked into the house today, i let out a sigh of relief. TGIF. I feel so tired, its really ridiculous. This week has been an experience i'll probably remember for the rest of my life. First of all, sleeping for about 3 to 4 hours each night is not enough. If you've got a choice, it's not recommended. (:

As i type now, i think about the week that has passed. So many things have happened. One of the days, my GP teacher asked us to type our views on political leaders in the world today. As many people couldn't come up with anything to type, he commented that youths today could type quickly on social networks as they were communicating with their friends, and could type paragraphs after paragraphs of words in their blogs as they just let their ideas flow. So then, why couldn't we do it for our GP. I think the idea is obvious, isn't it? Who's going to grade my blog post? Then again, reflecting deeper, what is my blog for? Obviously it isn't graded by a teacher so grammatical and spelling mistakes may be forgiven. However, people do read it and think things. hahaha.

This week was pretty amazing. Hectic, tiring, but i ultimately i think it was, for the lack of a better word, amazing. People always say, with freedom comes responsible. Oh yeah, i was FREE the whole week. Made my own decisions, decided what to do, when to do my work, when to sleep. Then again, judging by the time I've been sleeping, I'm either very playful, playing till 1/2 am each night, or I've been loaded with an unimaginable amount of things to do. Hahahaha. Doing laundry everyday isn't easy. Neither is living with my brother alone. Yeah, i love him and all, but i've been left with multiple bruises on my arms (there are two side by side, evidently finger prints), as well as a blistering headache that wouldn't go away. (: I think i'll look back and know that I'm a relatively patient person.

I think in school i told someone to shut up. It sort of just came out. lol. Not in the pissed off way, just in the- 'can you just stop it' kinda tone haha. Too bad, deserved it. Everyday brings a new experience, everyday a rising challenge.

Uncertainty is just another essential part of life.

Finale

2011-03-20T08:06:00.002+08:00

I guess I knew this was coming, but no matter how hard I cry, time isn't going to turn back. Even if time could go back, it would just lead right up to this very moment wouldn't it? They're really gone, and I'm really alone. Bye daddy, 一路顺风,一帆风顺.

260?

2011-03-19T21:02:00.002+08:00

Is 260 a special number? because this is the 260th post, and i don't feel very special right now. I feel like I'm dreaming. Is this real? Let me wake up tomorrow and see that I've been dreaming all the way. I'm not even here am I?

We've never really been able to reach out to each other have we? It's ridiculous, I'm sorry, but it really is. It hurts not being able to help you but i guess this is it.

Haha talking for what seems like one of the last times ever, i realise how redundant the things my brother says are. In my mind, I wrote him a letter that went like this : Dearest Aaron, don't be a jerk. Is it me or are you just ignorant? He's NOT COMING BACK. omg. you. piss. me. off. And what? I've got to take care of your meals, wash your clothes for the next. whole. week. :O
Lots of love, Averil :P

I just had to let that out hahahahahaha :D

I actually got over the whole school thing for awhile, but looks like its back.

When it matters most

2011-03-19T09:59:00.003+08:00

Evidently, the weekend comes too quickly.
Ever realised, that when it matters most, you've got nothing to write? So you write rubbish.
Ever realised, that when it matters most, you've got nothing to say? So you leave strings hanging, leave stones unturned.

Sometimes we try so hard to predict so hard what's going to happen. But in the end, what you thought was going to happen, what you spent nights worrying about, never comes to pass. In the end, you get so tired, that by the time it actually happens, you're speechless, limp, sitting in the corner. What will happen tomorrow? We guess, we worry about, we ponder. People say to let tomorrow worry for itself, and not waste today worrying about tomorrow, but is that possible really? Human nature depicts that we are worriers. BUT, before tomorrow comes, enjoy today. I do wonder how it will be, with the coming of tomorrow. What will come, will come isn't it?

Looks like Sunday evening will be spent alone.

The SUN will SET

2011-03-17T08:19:00.002+08:00

i've got 4 more days, i'm gonna make the best of it (: Wish me luck :D

Will you ever guess, if i'm telling you what you want to hear? Or what i really want to tell you?

i've never been good with...

2011-03-14T21:11:00.002+08:00

Tick tock tick tock. Think about something you've never been good at, and make it good. This works only if you have a choice. Really, if you're forced, it doesnt work.

Today was great, outing and all. (:
I've missed my friends.

Sometimes, what we really need is some quiet.

2011-03-12T22:02:00.002+08:00

There's always going to be another mountain,
I'm always gonna want to make it move,
There's always gonna be an uphill mountain,
Sometimes i'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast i get there,
Aint about what's on the other side,
Its the climb.

Yeah, i wonder why i'm doing this to myself, i wonder if i say the right things. So many things to take note of. When messing up isnt an option. Yes, best friends are the one's who see the hurt in your eyes when others see the smile on your face. What do i secretly want? (:

When the day fades(:

2011-03-12T10:23:00.002+08:00

Another week comes to an end, and its officially- THE March holidays. Sounds good? Oh yeah, i've survived term one of JC one :D Though its not going to be much of a break, with hw and going back to school, i think its fine. So because Florence requested an advertisement for her farm, i shall harp a little on it. Flo's farm will grow WILD RICE -.- and breed asexual cows that eat their own poop. Seriously, no lie. lol.

What do you do when a phase comes to an end? I've never been good with goodbyes, probably because i've never really said goodbye to anyone who mattered that i'ld never see again.

If you've realised, yes, i've been falling sick once too often. My immune system is completely crapped up. Psychological rather than physical? I think i've always been lucky in the sense that i've always had people around me telling me things like that that make sense. Telling me things that make me really reflect.

So, enough of cows and random stuff. Lets enjoy the holiday kay. With the coming of the new term will bring new changes that will, undoubtedly, change my life, forever. I know you dont know what i'm talking about, but i'm too lazy to explain (: Tada till i come back!

the clock ticks

2011-03-06T08:00:00.003+08:00

As I stare at the clock, the second hand moves. As morning fades into night, and night fades into day, days pass and the crosses in the 2011 calender increase. Strange, isn't it, how time passes so quickly when you dont want it to. The wonders of technology will never overcome pure physical barriers. Nothing's gonna be the same again, no matter what happens. I think no one really believes how true and evident this fear is for me right now. They either think i'm just kidding about the whole thing or that there's no way i'll put everything here down and just leave. So i dont even talk about it anymore. When the time comes, if it comes, i'll just pick up my bags, say goodbye, and walk away knowing no one cared.

Patience-- the key to success

2011-03-04T23:18:00.002+08:00

I dont think i'm cut out for studying :O

HELP

I'm so glad the school week's over. Please Sunday night, stay away for awhile.

A longing quenched by reality

2011-03-01T18:02:00.002+08:00

Sitting in front of the computer at the end of a long day, i feel so much like calling you. To tell you about my day. How i was so frustrated today, how there's these two people who pissed me off so completely today, how i got my pw grp, how someone told me that "wo xin qing hen zao" these last two days. How i wish i could hear your voice, for you to tell me something to make it feel better. How i wish i could tell you how much i felt like punching this girl, how i wanted to run home screaming. I want to tell you things i cant tell anyone in school, i want to tell you things i cant let go of. I want to tell you...

But i stopped myself twice, three times, four times, telling myself that i cannot be overly reliant on you. I'll hold everything in, I'll tell you how much i miss you in my mind. You'll never know, you'll never guess,that its you i'm missing.

Burn Me From Within

2011-02-26T21:46:00.005+08:00

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Its not gonna work out this way. It really isnt. Who the heck still hates school after what? one month? And i can't even explain why i feel this way. Its just ... so off. So off. Where are you when i need you most? I'm sorry, i'm in a pisser of all moods, my smses are rubbish, monosymbolic answers. My heart just isn't into it right now. Where is God when i need him?

When what you want most is a warm hug, a reasuring word. All you get are teases, insults, cold answers, fake waves. When what you want most is to tell everyone else to disappear. All you do is keep it inside, smile and put up a brave front. Laughing outside, screaming inside. Smiling faces, crying hearts.

time flies

2011-02-24T17:38:00.003+08:00

And so, another week is coming to an end (: tmr is Friday (:

The new timetable, the actual timetable, is madness:( I think my tutors are crazy :( Everything we hope for never comes true. But i guess nothing is perfect? Missing everything about everything, changing things that have to be changed but should never have changed. Wishing for things that'll never come true. This is right now. I'll never get used to running 2.4 every PE lesson, twice a week.

I hope it gets better, for everyone. jia you~

seventeen

2011-02-19T08:12:00.003+08:00

Okay, so yeah, i'm 17. Need to find a new song (: usually Nat helps me with this, but looks like i'll have to solo this year. Lol. I realised that i don't really have much motivation to post about stuff anymore, which is partially because nothing really exciting is happening to my life.

Anyway, my birthday on Wed was great, thanks guys, for the gifts, cards and letters that greatly touched me. The day was great, except for the fact that i was sick. I still am, what's wrong with me?

Everything's changing and it's scary. It sucks to be together but drawn apart. Maybe if i don't talk about it it won't come true? The first time i've felt that that maybe it would be better if we go was when i realised that though i'll really miss what i've left behind, i've already left behind what i'm missing most. And yesterday I realised that it wont be the same either way, so... fate, please be kind.

Another week

2011-02-13T09:43:00.002+08:00

So many things have happened over the past few days. In the morning when I wake up, i brace myself for a new day. So many uncertainties. I find myself hating my class and my school. But that's not fair. I think everyone faces the same problem? That's the only way i'll survive. Knowing that i'm not the only one. Yesterday, I met up with Mavis, Nat Tong, Desiree, Shermain, Rosh, Sheryl, and of course Steph and Marianne. I've missed them so much. I think ultimately one day should get better than the previous one, but its difficult to believe that right now. Its so difficult to know that it will eventually be okay. Just thinking that tomorrow's Monday, and that i've got to go to school makes me feel like crying. Meeting up made me miss you guys more, but i'm glad we talked and shared(: Thank you for yesterday, for making me feel that I mattered, for letting me remember that i've got a life outside the new school. Thanks for the gifts and cards HAHA i felt crazy carrying so many plastic bags around orchard road. It will get better, we'll do it together.

-Crying is okay, let it out, remember that there'll always be people out there that you actually do matter to.

New Years Eve (CNY)

2011-02-02T22:25:00.002+08:00

I realise that New Years day, the 1st of Jan wasn't exactly a big thing for me or my blog, and at that time, it didn't feel like a different stage of my life. Now, at Chinese New Year, I think i feel like how i usually do on 1st of January's. New changes, expectations, reflections, that sort of thing. (:

So many things have happened. With the ending of Orientation yesterday. I guess orientation served its purpose? I don't feel as lost as i did in the very beginning. SUCCESS. And yesterday, i screamed like i never screamed before. Though it made me sick, it was fun, and i guess i enjoyed it. Yesterday was also the first time i ever went out for dinner with a whole grp of people i don't really know, talked rubbish till 9.30 before going home. So late! By the time i reached home it was 11, and i was pretty much dead.

I haven't reflected as much as i did last few days. I realised that what people say of someone else usually reflects what they feel of someone. For example, if i say you're lying, i'm probably lying to you myself. If I say you love me, i love you. That kinda thing? I also realised that-- what you can't get, you will seek with all you have. What is given willing and freely is turned away or taken for granted. If i appear to be okay around you, but not completely interested, you'll want to interest me in something, make me take notice of you? But if friendship is given freely, it is then taken for granted, even pushed away for those you cant get. This is not 100% true of course. That would be sad. But common it is. What you can't get always seems so sweet doesn't it? I actually see this happening around me, and its scary.

So many things happening! For once i want Monday to come. I want Monday to bring GOOD NEWS. Really in need of some good news. Anyway, long break to catch up with people, get money, and uhh eat food. lol.

Happy Chinese New Year peeps, may the lunar new year bring you luck, happiness and love.

-I think my home is just heaven's reflection, as long as my home's here with you! UP AND ON hahahahahaha

I'm so tired of starting first. its like you don't even care. Every time i have to ask- do you miss me? i miss you eh! No, you'll never start first, you'll never tell me you love me the way i do. But still, miss you i do, so friggin bad. When will i get the sms i so long to receive? from you?

No one is here by chance

2011-01-31T16:30:00.002+08:00

Which means that everything is meant to be. :D I think i'm getting used to this. Today wasn't so bad. With mass couple dance and games, i felt more relaxed than i did last week. I'm gonna give this my best shot, and enjoy the last day of orientation tomorrow. Nope, i'm still the same person i used to be. And no, i'm not giving up my friends ( love you guys ttm :D ) BUT i'll look to the future and give this my best effort. :D Change your perspective, and you can change your life. Wish me luck (:

In the darkness of the night

2011-01-29T15:26:00.002+08:00

Its funny how i think what i think doesn't matter.
Wanting to be there, but having someone take your place?
Knowing you're not wanted anywhere.
Oh yeah. no one's here by chance...
~
When i think back on these times,
on the dreams i left behind,
I'll be glad cos i was blessed
to have you in my life
when i look back on these days
I'll look and see your face
you were right there for me
in my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
in my heart there you'll always be a place for you for all my life.
-there you'll be (faith hill)

goodbyes and hellos

2011-01-29T00:45:00.004+08:00

Its a crossroad right now that we're at. I can't say goodbye, and i can't say hello. I think right now its kinda like in a downward spiral where i left old friendships hanging by a thread, and am pretty unwilling to make new ones. I don't know. I miss my friends desperately. I know I've hurt them. Said things i ought not to say, became pissed off when i shouldn't have. I'm sorry.

But it can't always be me. What happened to the promises we've made? When i say I'll do it, i will. What happened to always and forever. Yes, everyone says try, but somehow i expected you to try harder? What's the point of saying sorry if you've already hurt someone? Don't cry over spilt milk?

Then again. The secret lies in the word expected. I expected this, i expected that. Well, expectations are not things that we can will ourselves not to have. After giving my all, after trying my hardest, i find that I'm tired. So tired. When will it be your turn to give? Yes, i love you. But you'll never see it. You seek others. You always have, you always will. Never mind.

I'll probably post about orientation another day. Right now, its not important. How easily we part. I don't know how I'm going to mix properly with people at this rate. I'm trying, but there's a barrier inside me that pushes people away. I'm not letting anyone new in.

Seeing how the last what 2 days have been, I've learnt not to expect. When 2 years passes, this will be a new land, a foreign land. Foreign, and lonely. Expecting everything to be the same would be silly. Expecting them to be there still, is something i dare not dream. I wish, I wish upon a star, but it hurts too much to think of what would happen should the alternative happen.

I bet, the person or rather people I'm referring to would not know it is them. Ironic isn't it, when you think its you or know its you? It IS you. Or maybe not. Depending on who you are.

A new beginning (:

2011-01-26T17:49:00.001+08:00

So I guess, its SAJC, here I come. Haha. Let it be a journey to remember. ~

I was right

2011-01-25T12:16:00.003+08:00

5 things i realised today.

1) Never speak again.
2) Just shut up and maybe I wont get into trouble.
3) She'll never understand me so i'll stop trying.
4) Its not worth argueing with my mother cos well, she always wins whether she's right or not.
5) When people start shouting, its time for the turtle to go back into its shell

If you dont show how you really feel, dont say what you really want, no one'll ever know. But if you say it and its used to stab you in the gut, is it then really worth it? I figured not.

:D a gigantic smile for you.

2011-01-23T17:09:00.002+08:00

Yes, i agree, my last post was a little over done -.- how can i ever believe i can rely on my brother. Of all people, my brother. I mean, come on. But well, he made me feel better for awhile. Hey, I'm not the only one in the ditch :D awesome. Haha. Yes yes:D

I look left and right, and find that everyone has their own lives. The things that matter to them, the things they aim to do, to achieve. Paths cross and are bound to split. What is meant to be, will be. Whatever the outcome, it will be for the best. After all, at the end of our lives when we look back, we'll never be able to say we made all the right choices. All we can say is that we made the best choices that circumstances required, and hopefully, they were for the greater good.

There was once a little boy who lived on the high mountains of the hulalala plains. His parents gave him opportunities to learn multiple languages, play multiple instruments and dance the different beautiful dances of the world. He tried, he really did, to be the best at all he learnt. But he could not. Jack of all traits, master of none. Deep in his heart, he knew that he would never speak as fluently as many others his age. He knew that his instrument playing was mediocre, even basic. He knew that he had no flair what-so-ever in dancing. But he kept going. Giving up wasn't an option. All along, he would not be discouraged or allow himself to be labeled as a loser. He knew that these were not his talents. He would shine, in other areas. He would shine.

Though I do not know what he later shined in, as this cute little boy is a character created in the depths of mind and does not actually exist, I know, he will shine :D Okay, many who see this may think that I'm completely hopeless and my lame post makes no sense. And try as you might, you will not be able to figure out the intent of my little... story? haha. Never give up :D

Keep smiling like I am now(: Once again, I've got a gigantic smile, for you.

Yes, it will all end well.

2011-01-22T10:48:00.003+08:00

It's times like this that i find i actually love my brother.

Its amazingly freaky how we both think the same way.

Saying yes for the same reasons, equal doubts inside.

Putting up a brave front, not letting our fears get the better of us.

For once, I'm going to rely on you, don't let me down.

You'll bring me through.

We'll do it together.

listen to your heart

2011-01-20T21:57:00.002+08:00

~your little piece of heaven turns to dust

~~sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost to the tide
they're swept away and nothing is what it seems
the feeling of belonging to your dream.

~~~and there are voices that want to be heard
so much to mention but you cant find the words
the scent of magic, the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

mysteries in the dark

2011-01-20T09:39:00.002+08:00

As we walked through the water, played with the sand, Stood and watched the sea from high above, I could have swore i never wanted it to end. But with all things, it ended, leaving a myriad of wonderful memories.

A new day is dawning, a new life begins. Everywhere people come out of their houses and go about their business. Lives intertwine. Like patchwork, the thread is spun, forming a beautiful pattern in the journey of life. As our paths wander, based on the decisions we make, the pattern changes.

I'm sorry for making you worry all the time, I'm sorry. I really am. Knowing you're there makes it better, easier.

The sun won't be red,
the sea won't be blue,
it won't be the same,
when I'm not here next to you.

you dont deal the cards, so play the best hand(:

2011-01-17T17:01:00.002+08:00

Hello hello :D Oh yeah, I'm still on holiday, and that fact never fails to make me smile! Haha. So, because she hates to see me stone about the house with nothing to do but sit in front of the computer, my mother wanted me to find something useful to do. So i did :D Seeing how i have had enough of researching about the subject 'education' altogether, i had to find something else to do. I packed my file of stuff. Flipping through all the courses, classes, competitions i attended/ took part in as a child makes me feel so completely wasted now as a youth. HAHA. Ah well, i guess i had a pretty fulfilling childhood. I also flipped through the massive photo albums stashed in a cupboard under the TV. Awesome memories. So after feeling so... hmm... refreshed? by my walk down memory lane, I've decided to, once again, help with the research my mum's trying to do. HEHE. Slacking at the moment, as you can probably see:D but yes. I love the kid i used to be (:

Speaking of which, i watched The Sound Of Music the other day, and The Parent Trap yesterday night. (: hehe. I want this relaxing time to last forever, stretching into eternity... ... ... :D

Thinking in silence

2011-01-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

If you read this, take it as a story(:

Sometimes voicing out fears and doubts within may cause sadness and pain to those around. So then, would it be fair to say that keeping it to yourself and think in silence?

Alright, wall that i call my blog, listen to me would you?

So it all begins with daddy coming home today. Daddy came home sick, daddy came home tired. Even then, he isn't usually so cold. He wants us to go with him to China, he fears we'll drift apart living in two different parts of the world. Go, don't go. Our house is in a whirl. Yet, when he's here, he's pushing me away. Why would he do that? :'( Maybe its because he poured so much into me, and somehow i never realised any of the hopes he invested in me. Maybe because I'm a disappointment. Maybe because he's still sore about my choice of school. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't want to go against his wishes anymore. Perhaps, then, the ice may melt, things may go back to normal. If he tells me to pack my bag and leave, i will. Because, though i know i won't like it, I don't want to disappoint him any more. I'm going to let it be. Good idea? Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

~~

On another note, i expect the coming week to be awesome. Fun, fun, and ... MORE FUN :D

HE

2011-01-14T14:07:00.007+08:00

HE gripped my hand tightly, afraid to fall. We took step by tiny step, moving forward, but at a pace so slow it didn't qualify even as a stroll. I glanced at his face- his long white eyebrows that reminded me of the elders in the Chinese period dramas, his thin drawn face, white hair combed in an almost fashionable way. This was the man whom i had relied on for piggyback rides, to be there when i got home from kindergarten when i was younger, to bring me to and from the library each day. The man who told me stories and cooed me to sleep. It seemed now that our roles were reversed. This time, I brought him to the hospital, held his hand and steadied his steps.

Glancing around the hospital, i wished desperately for a wheelchair. At least, then, HE wouldn't have to walk all the way to our destination. But exercise, HE reminded me, was essential. Besides, i had time. Neuroscience clinic. Yes, our destination. Brain science, i thought with a frown. Everyone there with dementia? Or psychos who's mental state was, to put it nicely, in a whirl? The people there looked normal enough, except for one lady in yellow who kept getting up from her seat and had to be pulled down again by her husband. Sad case-- her mind just went snap one day. A teacher, i heard her husband whisper to the nurse on duty. She used to be a teacher till one day, stress shut her mind down.

Finally we left. We left the hospital after the checkup. Waiting for the car to arrive, we sat down and waited. "You know", HE said in a slow, soft voice. "I used to laugh at old people. Thought they were pulling young people's legs. Always walk so slow, always needing help. Now i know, now i know"

We had lunch at a remote coffee shop near his house, and we ate mixed vegetable rice. It was heartening, yet sad to see him struggle with a spoon. Yet, with patience and no qualms, HE slowly put spoon after spoon of rice into his mouth. But, HE finished it. Every single grain of rice.

My mind is cast back to when i was a little girl. We were at the same coffee shop we were at now. HE was feeding me every grain of rice on the plate, saying " Don't waste food, many out there have nothing to eat."

HE was always one to walk his talk. HE said walking was good, so HE never took the bus to nearby places. HE said to finish your food, and HE did. Growing old and frail did not make him change who HE was deep down inside. His memory might have almost completely failed him, his legs unable to carry him quickly and to places, and HE might even have forgotten who i am. But most importantly, what HE believed in and his attitude in life has never wavered.

HE, is my gong gong, my grandfather, and HE has my respect.

Changes in the air, Changes in the wind

2011-01-12T08:29:00.002+08:00

He got the job.

My life's gonna change.

soon, oh very soon.

In 3 mths, 5 mths or a year.

Impending doom?

YOU'RE SHIPPING AWAY MY LIFE :(

Roller Coasters

2011-01-11T18:51:00.002+08:00

Dispair takes you into the depths of sleep, where all seems safe. No one to talk to, no questions, no evil eyes probing your mind. But still, your mind drifts to uncharted waters.

Walking in an alley, with your heart in your mouth, you feel it thudding, thudding. No safe corners, nothing to shield you from whatever may come, whatever is lurking.

Suddenly, you are transported into colours. A bright myriad of colours, confusing and disorienting. But at the same time, it seems so real, you're in it.

okay this doesnt make sense. i dont even feel like completing it. maybe another day.

helplessness.

2011-01-10T20:58:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it scares me to see you like this. It breaks my heart. Not that i'm elated, not that i'm happy either. If i can hide it inside, and keep smiling, its not impossible really.

I dont really know what i'm doing right now either, but its alright and yeah like they say, where ever i end up, i'll survive. Its not the end. Who cares what they think? I know it matters. Deep down, it matters. Inside, i'm screaming for you to shut up, Iniside, i'm drowning your words with tears. But you'll never see it. You never have. You never will.

one day in the sun, one day in the room (: 2 days of fun (:

2011-01-05T22:04:00.003+08:00

2 great days of fun :D Yesterday at sentosa was fun, watching 4D pirateshows and log rides, shooting nonsense on a horse, flying through the sky and luge zooming, PLUS sitting and playing at the beach, it was fabulous. Its like pure happiness, fun and just letting go (:

TODAY (: okay fine, i got up late, rushed to bathe then Cheryl and Steph came over (: It was... very, very, very entertaining, fun, enjoyable, ... ... ... the list goes on (: We played Uno stacko, and Steph lost 4 times in a row. Might have made it 5 times, but we decided to change game D: sad sad. Next was... monopoly, then Cluedo (: woots haha, followed by pictionary and lunch (: haha yay :D TABOO was THE BEST :D Some examples -->

peng pui = feng shui
Blur+B = Blurb
Mu+ ham+ mad = muhamad ali
ROBOT, haha, took forever to guess.

While we were playing, there were so many jokes, so much laughter, mindless chatter, casual insults. (: Though it seems difficult to remember the exact details of our day, of our conversations, today will be remembered as a day spent going crazy, letting go, speaking my mind.

As always, events of the past will blur together, but some moments will stand out against the blur. These are intangible things that will stay in your memories forever, intangible things that can be brought where ever you go no matter how many miles away you may be, intangible things that can fade to the depths of your memory, but never be forgotten.

Blink, and a year has passed. Blink, and results will be out. Blink again, and school, where ever that may be, will begin. Blink Blink Blink, and soon, another year will pass once more. Blink, time passes, but the memories of our good times together never fades. <3

Its the 25th of December

2010-12-25T12:42:00.003+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE (:

i feel so supper hyper. Try sleeping at 5.20 a.m and waking up at 8.50am :D WOOTS. Oh, and the x box kinect is UBER FUN hahaha!

i see what you're doing

2010-12-24T17:17:00.002+08:00

Christmas eve! It always seems weird how we wish for something, but when we finally get it, or the time's finally right, and we do not experience the joy we expected to feel? Like how I've been wishing for Christmas to come ever since mid years in May. But now that it's here, it doesn't feel like Christmas at all.

Okay, so according to a friend of mine, I'm self conscious and lack self esteem. (: I know, my friend, i can feel it. I hate the me I've become recently. I know you love me, i know you care (: And no words can tell you how happy that makes me feel. It's like coming out of a cave after years and solitude and shouting "someone cares". Awww. Sometimes i can be really stubborn LOL.

Have you ever wondered, what if you help me, save me or sorts, and i don't turn out to be who you expected me to be? Regardless, you know me, you know who i am and i guess i feel comfortable telling you things? I like it, so I'll do something for me, and let go (:

This will be a change. This Christmas will be a turning point. I know, many believe that a leopard cannot change it's spots, but I'll show you. Slowly but surely I'll show you that i was never a leopard to begin with, and spots were painted on by some evil person. Just watch and see.

Too long have you tormented me, too long have i taken the insults in. No more.

Tomorrow is Christmas, may it bring the love, joy and peace that seems so ephemeral in the world. Lets try to make the ephemeral permanent.

C'est La Vie

2010-12-23T18:01:00.002+08:00

Such is life (:

you tell yourself you're gonna do something,
you're bound to do something else.

I promised that i would change before coming back
but i guess a few days can touch you and leave footprints,
but not change anything much really?

Negativity transgresses positivity,
positivity transgresses negativity.

I'm Your Angel~ Celine Dion

No mountain's too high for you to climb
All you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No river's too wide for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray

And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel

And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel

I saw your teardrops and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything and you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day

And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see?

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel

And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel

And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your
will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive

And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky

I'll be your cloud up in the
be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel

And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel
And when all hope is gone, I'm here

No matter how far you are, I'm near
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel

I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I'm your angel

Kids the most innocent?

2010-12-22T19:51:00.002+08:00

I'm back from kuching, and i have to say, it was an amazing journey. I've made new friends, experienced things i never dreamed and would never have done unless forced. Trekking up mount singai was an experience never to be forgotten. Going up was fine, even though it started to rain really heavily half way. Going down four days later was the scary part. Anyone who knows me knows that i've got this inate fear of heights, plus it was slippery and all. ANYWAY, i got down. The time up the mountain was therapeutic. Praying and all... The kampong stay was awesome. I mean, every one poured their whole hearts into the carolling in the nights, played musical chairs like it was the most amazing game on planet. How often do we take these things for granted? They started carolling from the 13th of December all the way to the 23rd of December, going to 2-3 houses each night so that all the houses would have been visited before Christmas. The spirit of including everyone and ensuring that no one was left out is something that greatly touched me. Everyone was very enthusiastic and gave their all during the carolling sessions- singing their hearts out, jumping about, and going around shaking everyone’s hands.
Everything was brought to a whole new dimension when children, teens and even adults started participating actively. Everyone poured their hearts and souls into simple games and made them seem so fun. Saying goodbye was an emotional scene and tears were shed. Friends were made, bonds were forged. I have learnt that the simplest lifestyle can bring so much happiness. It really doesn’t matter how much we own.

After sitting down for a couple of days, i was thinking back on the things that happened, the children i encountered. There were the nice ones who cuddled, hugged... but there were also those who were not as pleasant. No, i'm not referring to the perverted boy named johanas. (: There was this young girl who kept calling me a... a... never mind. it just wasn't pleasant. Anyway, children are the most innocent and i guess it was a pretty innocent gesture on her part. As in everything, when you think back, nothing is perfect, and there were things i thought good that i realised had a bad side, some things i thought bad that had a good side.

On the other hand, i've been smsing this 11 year old girl, lesleymaria on a almost daily basis. I do not dare to start smsing her first, but when i receive her smses in the evenings it really brightens up my day (: ah well. I didnt realise that tomorrow is Christmas eve :O wow wow wow.

The year is ending, many things have happened, are going to happen...

aragon: my path is hidden from me
arwen: it has already laid before your feet, you cannot falter now.

~~ just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming (:

If i do not post again, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR PEEPS (: 2010 is ending woots!

snapping out of it (:

2010-12-10T14:58:00.002+08:00

Okay, i have to snap out of this trance like mood. Its unhealthy and very probably gonna make me sick. Ah well.

Christmas carols are playing on the stereo outside and i'm free to do as i like for the rest of the day, and on the way home just now, i vowed not to brood or overthink anything. That was the original plan. But then again, i was kicked out of my trance while on the train. This guy who looked super familiar came up to me and was like hey! so i went hey! back. In my mind, i was like "what's his name??? " Of course, i knew he was from church and his parents knew my parents or some such thing, but a name wouldn't surface. Anyway, we talked about the kuching trip and other random school things until we alighted. After awhile he asked me about my brother- "aaron....." and i was like gosh he knows my brother's name and i forgot his name... When i started walking away, i remembered his name. Ah well, the irony. haha!

Wang lao shi was trying to be weird lol. She told me weird stories to make me laugh before showing me the new books she bought for me-.- BURN THEM :D there's a thought. Then she began to eat lunch while giving me ting xie... which was alright, but then while reading some passage thingy halfway, she began hiccuping and that was effectively the end of our lesson...

The last 2/3 days were like a really bad dream which will probably have really negative consequences. Gahh. I'll have to deal with whatever gets thrown in my way, and remember that i was the root cause. Stocktaking- i pissed my parents and quite a substantial number of friends, closer friends off in the last few days.

At the end of all things

2010-12-10T09:11:00.002+08:00

What is left to say really, except that i didn't expect it to end this way? What I had hoped for originally never comes to pass.

Yes, i realised that what I'm doing is pushing everyone away.
No, it isn't intentional.
Yes, i feel bad, really really bad.
No, i cant help it.
No, i don't know why.
Yes, it hurts.
No, you couldn't hate me more than i hate myself right now.

Oh god, I'm so frigging luan right now, you'll never figure out what's in my mind. I piss everybody off. That's my hidden talent. Oh yeah. sheesh... i should go into seclusion. But anymore secluded than right now, I'm in a frigging island on my own already. But seriously, who cares? I'm hurting inside, but who cares. I know i pissed you off, it wasn't intentional, i wasn't thinking.

Oh shut up averil.

What to do?

2010-12-08T20:59:00.004+08:00

Because in case you disappear, which i really think you will, the feeling of rejection would not be too great. So in this case, does rejection then prevent people from getting closer? The closer we try to obtain something, the further it seems to go. Life.

寂寞寂寞就好 - Hebe 田馥甄

还是原来那个我不过撂掉几公升泪所以变瘦
对着镜子我承诺迟早我会换这张脸应对笑容
不算什么爱错就爱错
早点认错早一点解脱

我寂寞寂寞就好这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了伤到快疯掉
死不了就还好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的借来的都该还掉

我总会把你戒掉
还是原来那个你是我自己做梦你又改变什么
再多的爱也没用每个人有每个人的业障因果
会有什么什么都没有
早点看破才看的见以后

我寂寞寂寞就好这时候谁都别来安慰拥抱
就让我一个人去痛到受不了伤到快疯掉
死不了就还好
我寂寞寂寞就好你真的不用来我回忆里微笑
我就不相信我会笨到忘不了赖着不放掉
人本来就寂寞的我总会把你戒掉

Gunky Goo

2010-12-07T21:43:00.008+08:00

I'm freaking tired, and that, is a major understatement. Oh gosh, what's wrong with me.

So many interesting things happened today. Went to Steph's house to watch movies in the morning. We managed to finish Pearl Harbour and uh... The Bucket List. Not bad actually (: Then came lunch at this BBQ place with it's noob looking waiter. He looked super duper blur :D Went Popular to find a birthday gift for Marianne. Looked left, right, left again, and couldn't find anything really appropriate or interesting. So finally, we decided to get this 'cake maker' thingy. After getting back, splitting the cost, we started. oh la la. Gosh. Operation "SHARING THE GOOP" officially began. Before blinking, the three of us had brown shit colored goop stuck on our hands. Gahh. Talk about the worst decision ever made. We took about 3 hours i think, to make a simpler version of the original cake LOL. Joke of the day- on the box, there was a slogan that said something like " real clay within, you wouldn't believe it", and we were all like "yeah, i definitely don't believe that is real clay -.-" goop gahh gross and gluey.

Oh yeah. Then i took a cab to TPC to find Jasmine, dinner at Fork and Spoon, and we went to NJC. omg. NJC is a MAZE, not amazing. Really. Everywhere is either under construction or dark beyond. The band was not bad, and their der vogelhandler brought back many memories. Ah memories. When the concert ended, we had a free tour around what seemed like NJC's 800m track while trying to find our way out of the school. Gosh. I'm never gonna go back to NCJ because 1) I've got not enough brains. 2) Their school compound is so dark and gloomy and like a complete maze, and 3) I would get lost. Not like it matters HAHA- i can't even dream of that school. :D - sour grapes heehee. But being lost was bad, really bad.

I was completely tense the entire day, so by the time we got to the concert hall, all my muscles knoted up and acheing. Aish i dont know why. The first time i realised that i was completely knoted up was during lunch. Why, oh why.

I've always tried not to be the odd one out, not to be what many call extra, but... haha. It felt like i was interupting some private, sacred moment between best friends. Aish. Where are my best friends when i need them? They're both away. Ah well, that's just an excuse. Even if they were here, i might not talk to them anyway. Nah, they wouldn't understand either. What then, is the point? When we're in a bubble, no one can get close. No one seems close. They're there, in their own private bubble. Is this really a bad thing? Do i really want to be part of their bubble like i always dreamed? Maybe this is for the best, maybe getting too close would just mean a harder goodbye when the time comes. Maybe our good times have really come and gone, and i've gotta learn to let go. I vividly remember once in May i think, my facebook status read: [Dont get too close to me, i fear i may become attached, i fear i already am. And when we drift, it'll suck all over again.] It still applies. Just to a different group of people this time. Usually when i can say this, i'm already attached emotionally. Darn it.

Do I really wanna leave? Saying No would mean that i egotistically believe that i actually matter to some people here the same way they matter to me. Saying Yes would hurt, but I will get over it eventually right? My brother asked me the other day what i thought about going away. I told him that my whole life was here, friends and all. And he was like-i bet they pray you go away sooner. Yeah, maybe he's right (:

Chinese songs are calming to the senses, they touch you in simple, sad, sentimental ways and tend to hit the nail on the head. 一针见血. For the first time today, i realise that a diary should be private, and a blog is supposed to be about superficial, interesting things that happened, but i guess i crossed the line today.

What hurts the most, is that even at home, they're a unit. They're all together in a circle and i'm alone in my room with no hugs and goodnight kisses. They dont know that i'm hurting inside. It's always when i'm completely free, supposed to be completely happy during the holidays that my world crashes down..., down... ..., down... ... ... into ruins.

Flying without wings <3>this post is so jumbled babbled. :D

whoolala~

2010-12-03T20:22:00.002+08:00

okay, yeah i'm back from Taiwan :D 7 days of fun in the sun and rain. It was a real bonding time lol. Further more, i can say that i've learnt patience. One week with my brother, and i didnt argue with him. The art of ignoring oh yeah. SUCCESS (: Some really cool/weird things happened. I shall elaborate-

1) - We went to one of the many night markets one night, and it was... well, really really crowded. duhh. Then we were like grabbing each other's hands so wo wouldnt get lost. And so, my right hand was waving behind me trying to find my brother's, so he wouldnt disappear. The moron he is, he decided that it would be really cool and fun to keep his hand in his pocket. So well, i was in front and i didnt know, so i kept finding, kept finding. Finally, i felt a hand, and grabbed it. For like 5 seconds, till i realised that it didnt feel like my brother's hand. omg. -.-''' Okay, so i grabbed the wrong guy's hand. I turned around, pulled my hand away, and was like "sorry sorry, dui bu qi dui bu qi" and i glared at my brother. Then later, i'm not sure which happened first. I wiped my hand on my jeans, he wiped his hand on his girlfriend's ass. For pride's sake, i think i wiped my hand first. And my brother shouted kinda loudly- AVERIL! DONT STEAL PEOPLE'S BOYFRIEND LUHH!!

2) - Half the tour group started vomiting and had to be admitted into the local hospital. Aish. it was scary. Thank god my family was fine.

3) - Actually, there are so many things that happened, but i'm too lazy to talk about them all. number one was the most influential. really really embarrassing.

After coming back, i've been busy packing, watching tv going out as a family haha. We went swimming, watched Harry Potter and well yeah, it's been a long time since we went out like that. Going to Taiwan doesnt count (: There, we were pretty much stuck together haha. ah well.

I hate to keep repeating myself, but it really feels like the party has ended. When i was younger i would always feel this way at the end of a pary. Weeks of anticipation, ended. Perhaps the kuching trip will prove to perk my brain up a little. But right now, it's more the dreading kind of anticipation for that particular upcoming event. eek. HAHA :D we shall see we shall see.

I've been dreaming about Christmas to come since may or June, and now it's finally coming. What's gonna happen after Christmas comes and goes? ~

Thankful lyrics

Some days we forget
To look around us
Some days we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.

Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light

So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There's so much to be thankful for

<3