goodbyes and hellos

Its a crossroad right now that we're at. I can't say goodbye, and i can't say hello. I think right now its kinda like in a downward spiral where i left old friendships hanging by a thread, and am pretty unwilling to make new ones. I don't know. I miss my friends desperately. I know I've hurt them. Said things i ought not to say, became pissed off when i shouldn't have. I'm sorry.

But it can't always be me. What happened to the promises we've made? When i say I'll do it, i will. What happened to always and forever. Yes, everyone says try, but somehow i expected you to try harder? What's the point of saying sorry if you've already hurt someone? Don't cry over spilt milk?

Then again. The secret lies in the word expected. I expected this, i expected that. Well, expectations are not things that we can will ourselves not to have. After giving my all, after trying my hardest, i find that I'm tired. So tired. When will it be your turn to give? Yes, i love you. But you'll never see it. You seek others. You always have, you always will. Never mind.

I'll probably post about orientation another day. Right now, its not important. How easily we part. I don't know how I'm going to mix properly with people at this rate. I'm trying, but there's a barrier inside me that pushes people away. I'm not letting anyone new in.

Seeing how the last what 2 days have been, I've learnt not to expect. When 2 years passes, this will be a new land, a foreign land. Foreign, and lonely. Expecting everything to be the same would be silly. Expecting them to be there still, is something i dare not dream. I wish, I wish upon a star, but it hurts too much to think of what would happen should the alternative happen.

I bet, the person or rather people I'm referring to would not know it is them. Ironic isn't it, when you think its you or know its you? It IS you. Or maybe not. Depending on who you are.