smart gal

(: Haha. I don't really know why people think I'm smart? not everyone obviously. haha. 'cos really I'm not. I don't exactly know a lot of things and i don't exactly work very hard. I guess when it comes down to it, I'm a mediocre everything, below average in some. Maybe once or twice I've had some weird show if intelligence (if ever), and people think I'm smart. Its not exactly that i don't like it, cos hey, who wants people to think they're dumb right? But lets just say sometimes the higher the expectation the higher the stress. Like how dad was like- you can do it, I've got confidence in you... Well, confidence I don't deserve. I won't fail, just because my name is Averil, and Oh, you haven't studied? You're you so it'll be fine.

I think there's some kind of misunderstanding. And I've been overloaded with these kinda things by numerous people so after awhile the stress builds up. The knowing that they're gonna be disappointed, and bam, break down. I really really haven't really studied for mid years. Granted, I just came back on Monday night, and there are lots of things to settle. But there's no excuse. I don't feel great about not being prepared but something inside just doesn't want to do anything anymore. So hey, I'll prove to you I can fail. So it seems the rebel inside is coming alive. In the end though, I'll do my best. I always have and I always will. Maybe on the surface it looks like I didn't really try or that... whatever, that's why I don't do well, but I really tried. So I'm really dumb.

Do you sometimes really feel like letting go of everything and taking 10 steps backwards? Nothing makes sense anymore.

When you most want to talk to someone, there's no one around. The people you most want to talk to always think they're the last one's you want to hear from, and the people you want to talk to never want to talk to you for real. After so many disappointments, i think this is fate.

So why do this again?
Thinking back, this is what I told myself last year. I'm trying again because even if I fail, I'll never look back and say that it's because I didn't have the guts to try.

5 more weeks, then its a whole new world.