Today I seriously considered...

Today I seriously considered suicide. And I realise that- more than the fact that it's morally wrong,- I simply don't even have the courage to take my own life. And I recall something a friend told me recently- if you want to do something wrong, at least think about it, name it, and claim it. I can't even do that. And now it's just one more thing to confess about. Standing at the window looking down 5 storeys, I wondered how it feel like to go- splat. I wondered who would attend my funeral, what they would have to say about me. If I didn't die, how would I end up, who would come find me in the hospital. And I realise that none of that would even matter then. So why should it matter now?

I guess it's true how 家家有本难念的经. Somewhere along the way we got lost and somehow there's just no going back. Every time the fire sparks, the shouting match begins, the fear of getting hurt physically followed by the tears and the anger. It's something that people don't understand, and I dont particularly want them to. I guess every one has many sides to them that they don't share, no matter how close or any of that. Simply because it's something so private, it hurts, and it just hits too close to home. Today with the glass shards on the floor, I wondered where it went so wrong, and how I'm so tired of having to juggle everything. I wonder when I'll have the courage to hurt myself so badly that it'll all come crashing down. Somewhere inside I wish that day will come, and some part of me just dreads it.