Keep me close

'Then You crash over me and I've lost control but I'm free

I'm going under, I'm in over my head

And You crash over me, I'm where You want me to be

I'm going under, I'm in over my head 

Whether I sink, whether I swim

It makes no difference when I'm beautifully in over my head' 

It's just that recently I've been struggling with keeping it all together. I'm sorry to the people around me. I want to reach out and be a better friend, I really do. I want to let you know that I'm there, that I care. 

I feel as if I can't handle myself. I've been distant from everyone. I feel as if I've been caught in the busy bubble that I haven't been able to fully function. I haven't been able to study properly, contribute to my project properly, been present for my community or friends properly. I've just been caught with the doing a little bit of everything, that I haven't done anything well. 

It's so easy to go into the self depreciating/ lonely state. Where nothing goes well, where everything hurts a little bit. Where I want to keep to myself. Where I long for something interesting to happen, where someone shows they care, just a little bit. And that longing goes so deep that I miss the people who've been there supporting and caring for me every step of the way. 

Today, a group mate was just sharing some of his past struggles, just a very casual- 'oh this happened' kind of thing. But his voice dipped a little, and at that moment, I felt his pain. And it scared me. It scared me because I took it all in. Perhaps it's called 'over-empathy'. But I've been feeling so much of other people's emotions that I dont know how I feel about anything anymore. 

But in everything, keep me sane please. Keep me safe. Keep me close to You. Let me want to run to you, let me run to you. 

'Even when it hurts

Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
'Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart'