tears

If you know me, then you probably know that I'm not the strongest person around. And I rarely pretend to be. I cry. I cry when I'm upset, angry, tired. I try not to, and it's rare, but I do cry. I try not to cry in front of others, but when push comes to shove, I do.  The tears help me to release negative energy, help me to just take some time alone away from the world, and it also allows me to wallow in self pity for a little while, helping me to remind myself that- no, I am not ok. 

Because more often than not, I pretend to be ok. For myself, for those around me, I feel like I've got to be ok. To hold it all together. And when I finally break, I wonder what went wrong and why I feel so broken. It's a time when my heart tells my brain to take a break and take a look around at all the broken pieces, to pick them up one by one and to see whats wrong, and slowly find a way to glue everything together. 

So last tuesday I cried in school. And on sunday I cried in church. It isnt the whine and sniffle kind of cry, more of the tears just run down my face and I just feel horrible inside. But from far, it doesn't look like much. I never look like i cried when I do cry. And when I look like I cried, I never did. HAHA. And I thought I was done. And nothing was wrong. But I realise that I've been having dreams where I just cry. I even cry in my dreams. And I wake up wondering why that dream was so sad, and what I was crying about in the dream. And its been happening for awhile. And it's got to stop. I figure blogging about it might be the release I need from these horrible crying dreams. Because while nothing is particularly right at the moment, nothing is wrong either. Nothing is so wrong to warrant crying dreams. 

I hope I figure out what's bothering me  subconsciously.