At the end of a long year (:

I think I've been long overdue for a post here. I figure I don't owe anyone an explanation for anything. Be it deleting an app or who I see and what I do. And my unhappiness stems from the fact that I've been surrounding myself with horrible horrible horrible people who make me terribly unhappy. On the surface I look like I'm enjoying myself and everything that's going on, but inside something died over the past year. I probably told myself that something was fun and that being made used of was just a sign of friendship to the point I believed it. And now that everything is sort of dying away- no more responsibilities and work to rush or people to maintain professional relationships with, the insecurities start setting in. Work is work and play is play, and friendships forged through hardships don't last. I dread making close friendships now because friends just somehow don't ever appear to be real. We search for life giving friendships. People who are my friends simply because they want to be, not because I can do mods with them and tank the project or grade, or drive them around. People make use of me because I try to be a nice person. I help them because I want to, not because I have to, and I genuinely hope that we're friends. But ultimately in this world I think that we just make use of each other. But in such a world, people like me who becomes too attached to people and too emotionally invested always draws the shorter end of the stick.

I'm really grateful for the semester// year that just passed. To be honest, the fear was real when it began. Yet as in everything, it ends. Everything is clearer in retrospect, but this time, even though it seems to be worth it, I don't know how I got through it. I've been very lucky and blessed. In the sense that I managed to get away with not knowing much, and being a nice person. I had people around encouraging me every step of the way and people who were just there that said the right thing at the right time. Whether they meant it or not (I had my fair share of both), I'm grateful there was that push in the right direction at every step of the way.

I will probably reflect on the year more thoroughly some time during the summer. But for now, it's really taught me a lot about myself, humans, human relationships. And for now, it's time for a month away from social media and see who really matters at the end of the day. I'm tired, and I really hope not to complain about being bored because I really need the well needed break. Away from distractions and things I see on fb/twitter that upset me. Hahaha. It's time to find myself again.