Last Friday Night

sometimes I wonder where all this negativity is coming from.
then I remember that no one really understands and no one ever will.
I know that everyone tries their best
but its sad when those who think they know best
are really the ones who know nothing at all.

i think what really hurt was the expectation.
the expectation that you would've been there for me
that you would have understood how I was feeling
that you would have reached out
that you would have known what I needed to hear
that what I really needed were people who cared.

What I needed was for someone to understand
someone to be on my side
instead of telling me that they understand
yet imply that I shouldn't be feeling that way.
'eh Averil this really sucks.
they didn't do it on purpose la.
but yea it sucks I know' - this, by the way, doesn't cut it.
sorry but you weren't one of them.

Which is why when J texted and called, I picked up.
because I really needed someone to hold me up that night.
because I needed someone who cared enough.
cared enough to lend me their shoulder to cry on
cared enough to hug me and feed me food
cared enough to let me tell the world he made me cry
just so I wouldn't have to explain the hurt I was feeling.
Very grateful to all those angels.
Perhaps not J, but that's alright.

but that night when I looked around me,
you were preoccupied with your own lives,
with other people who're important to you,
other things to deal with.
it was sad that the people whom I'm supposedly closest to
were the ones who stayed a mile away.

and you all have your own lives
your own battles to fight.
I don't demand that you'll always be there for me
I don't assume you know how I feel,
so don't presume you know what I need.
don't answer on my behalf.
so many of you do.

That night was a turning point for me.
That night my perspective shifted.
That night I felt like I was alone
and that no one cared.

And I'm done now, with this phase of my life.
What I'm deciding now,
is- who'll be a part of the next.

Perhaps you tried your best.
Perhaps this is what friendship is all about.
But I know I deserve better.

Or perhaps I deserve nothing at all.