‘You look really beautiful today’ Insight

As the taxi was speeding down an empty road in the middle of the night, I scrolled the window down and felt the cold wind blow into my face, through my hair. It has been a long day-- long couple of days, in fact.

Being here has been something that I’ve been looking forward to for a long time. Perhaps it was simply the need for a holiday, perhaps it was the longing to see my family and old friends, perhaps it was something more altogether.

This morning, class of 2015 successfully graduated from high school, and took the first step into putting one stage of their lives behind them, another into the world of unknown. It was strange being back in a familiar yet seemingly distant place. 2 years ago’s today, it was me taking that step. 2 years ago, I was the one being excited about the future and all it could bring me. Here was the only place I felt like anything was possible, where I felt like I lived in a world where my possibilities were endless, where I believed that I could be anyting and anyone I wanted to be. Today, I was filled with a sense of pride when my brother gave his last speech as headboy, and I wish that he never lets go of this hope and faith in himself that he’s gained.

2 years have passed, and it’s been an interesting journey thus far. Tiring, sad, stressful. So much has happened. Being back here in suzhou, I’ve been thrown back into activities that are so, for the lack of a better phrase, so 2 years ago. Bonfires, sitting around drinking beer, talking, movies. It felt as if nothing had changed- people, environment, and activities- yet everything had.

Within these last 2 years, I’ve met so many new people, had so many new experiences. I sometimes wonder how I was able to let it all go, but the answer is simple- life, really does go on. Time moves on, but we’ve got to find a way to keep what we’ve learnt and experienced deep inside. Life has tried, and will continue to try to take it all away, but I’ll try my best to hold onto it.

Sitting in the cab tonight, I looked around the streets that were once so familiar to me. This place really ain’t that great. It’s beautiful of course, in it’s own way, and completely ‘my style’. It’s empty, but here I felt freedom that I never felt before. But freedom comes in many forms. I could be free in Singapore too. University life isn’t all that much harder than the IB in terms of time management. So why? What is it exactly that I miss? What exactly is it that I long for?

And I got it. In China, the social cirle was so small. After the initial worry that I wouldn’t fit in, I did. And after that, life kinda just really fell into place. People accpeted me. I never worried about not fitting in or being excluded- I just had to make it work- it was make it or break it. And because I was included and was at least invited for stuff every time something was going on, I felt like it was going pretty well even if it really wasn’t. Everytime something was going on, I would be called. Bo jio was never a thing. I guess it happened a time or two, but I got over it quickly because something else would come up with people I enjoyed being around, and I’d be happy again. I also really loved having converstaion with strangers, people I knew only by face, asking about each others lives and being told ‘you look really beautiful today’ as a parting sweet goodbye from someone whom I havnt seen in 2 years and will likely never see again. Whether true or not, who doesn’t like to hear that? What I miss is the ‘social security’. The feeling of belonging or at least knowing my place in the given environment. We kind of just had each other. We played and laughed together, studied together, did everything together, were bored together. This is what I lack, this is what I miss. I don’t miss suzhou, at least not really. What I miss is being sure of myself with the people around, of knowing my place, of belonging and knowing that I was accepted and liked. I don’t miss the place, not at all. What I miss is how it made me feel.

It’s a relief, knowing that. The realisation that what I seek is something that really cannot be forced. But at least I finally found the missing puzzle piece. First step to healing- recognising what’s wrong. I’m so glad I got to relive the great parts of the phase of life that’s passed, met up with great friends, have people tell me things I like to hear. It’s all part of the process of getting wiser and realising who I am and why I miss the things I do.

Here’s to better tomorrows, getting wiser without losing hope, but most importantly- never growing up.