embarrassment, guilt.

Guess I've been overwhelmed recently with the sheer amount of work that I've got to do. Time isn't enough and yet I have time to waste. Today I sat down and I complained that God has forsaken me this semester. Nothing I do seems to be going well. And i repeated it one too many times- 'My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?' I guess it was funny but some part of me meant it and it was resentful. It's been an inner war. The want to be a loving person and the want to be selfish. The war between resenting God for destroying me so thoroughly this semester and the knowing that He loves me and has truly helped me through so so much this sem already. And as the end approaches, I found myself running for mass at the end of the day. I left school at 6.10 and made it just in time for 6.15 mass. And the driving there was so dangerous I really just let Jesus take the wheel. I could have died.

Ah. Dying. I've pondered about it so much this sem. Wishing a car would hit me. Thinking about jumping.

So at mass, I closed my eyes. And I felt so down. But through it all, I felt Jesus' sadness as He looked at me. And He asked me: 'Averil, am I not enough for you? Is My love not enough for you?' And I feel like I let everyone down. And I sat there and cried. So grateful for the friend who sat with me and just let me cry in church until all the lights went off.

What kind of person am I :( Because truly, living and surviving is the hardest thing there is.