2013

As 2013 draws to an end, there are many things to reflect on. I guess on the whole, it's been a really long year. Getting through mock exams, university applications and finally finishing the IB exams. Going on holiday and getting back results, getting into university... being so torn between schools and getting in and figuring how it all worked. Meeting new people. Studying but never seeming to get anything right. The end of semester one.

I really think I learnt a lot in this one year. True, it did drag on so much longer than expected and it really took it's toll on me, mentally and emotionally. But teach me a lot, it did.

Ending of the IB. It was a fun journey. Through the ups and downs, I met a lot of new people- some great, some not so great. But we learn from it and move on. It gave me an opportunity to see the world through new eyes, and most importantly, it gave me confidence that studying in singapore never did. I was respected and my intelligence was acknowledged. I was academically able, yet friendly and open enough to be included in the fun. I tried a lot of new stuff, spent time with people doing absolutely nothing and yet just enjoying it all. I learnt how to play poker, watched many more movies than I ever had and I guess learned to balance my time. Sure, didn't do as well as I'd hoped, but well enough that my efforts paid off. Looking back on the IB journey, I did a lot, learnt a lot, met a lot of people, went a lot of places. The skills I picked up are those that play a role in shaping who I've become and who I'll go on to become in the future. Coming to Suzhou, being with my family, doing the IB... this is one decision that was hard as hell to make, and really difficult in the beginning, but something that I find very hard to regret- even on the worst days.

The holidays after that kinda dragged on a bit. Got bored, went to Japan, grandma passed away, IB results, university applications....

Mama's passing away. I never actually talked about it to anyone. I never actually really thought about it, let alone wrote it out. Maybe it's because I just dont want to, or maybe I'm just pretty unfeeling about all that's happened. She was a very important part of my life. I basically lived with her until I was 6 and went to primary school. Preschool, kindergarten... she was my rock. My life revolved around my grandma. She made me do my homework, took me classes, took me shopping, picked me up from school when I was sick, cooked for me, looked after me, loved me. I know she loved me. Everyone said she was biased toward me, and for a time, that was probably true. My love for chinese music and how chinese music always has a way to calm me down probably came from there. I remember sitting on the floor playing with magazines and toys having the radio playing songs in the background. Watching chinese tv dramas. Most people think they're lame, I really kinda like them. It brings me back to those good old days. Relaxation. Without a worry in the world. I'm glad I went back to spend a little time with her those few days. She always wanted me to study hard and do good things and I do feel that I'm letting her down. In a way, I'm self-centered and didn't want to spend much time with her in the hospital... I always had other things to do. The last thing I said to her was that I was going to get back to Singapore soon to see her again, but I never did. I guess getting into NUS... if she knew that, she'd be proud. I don't think I really cried about it though... Felt really lost for awhile but I had good people surrounding me. The day after I got the news, I went to Disneyland... I dont know how I feel about that really. It was a great holiday that I had, but always with a tinge of regret. I dont know how I felt about it, and to be honest, I still dont.

University. Ah damn. There was the whole period of omg i'm not going to get anywhere. To the period of ok, i got somewhere what do I do with it. Can I get out? Yes I have a 2nd option, do I want to take it? Ok 2nd option is no longer viable, stick with it. How do I survive? Surviving. I think a lot of people know that I struggled.  A lot. And it's not a period I'm proud of. It was scary. And exhausting. And humiliating. I can say truthfully that year 1 sem 1 has been filled with too many fears, too many tears, too much anxiety. I don't think I've ever cried or yelled so much. Ever. I guess I just fell into a hole of self pity and it got pretty bad pretty quickly. Being alone in a house day after day, not talking to anyone but yourself for days gets depressing very quickly. Getting sick and dragging yourself to a doctor and being stuck in a house with no food is even worse. Studying things I feel are absolutely useless and being so dejected at shit results was just blarrrr. South Asian Politics. wts?! So yes, I felt sorry for myself a fair bit. Which was probably the problem. It's good that every step of the way when my brain threatened to give way, there was someone by my side leading me on. People talking to me- sometimes being nice and comforting me, sometimes just telling me to suck it up like I had to. I'm still not sure I'll make it through. Results on the 24th... what a joke really...

I met many people this year. Those who aren't gifts are lessons. And I guess I got closer to God, quieter, more reflective and perceptive. Learnt a lot about compartmentalising emotions and people. As the year draws to a close, I guess I really want to thank everyone who stood by me, came to me in time of need, supported me, grew with me. I grew up a lot this year. And I didn't do it alone.